Of all the Nerve!

As my (step)daughter's graduation day approaches (Sat), I find that I am becoming increasingly more anxious about being in the same place at the same time with her mom.

The mom's nerve is amazing as she without fail makes some of the most rudest, hateful and hurtful comments about my husband and myself. (and has even brought in our other children in her criticisms.)

Although, I understand the unrest of her heart and from a logical standpoint can understand why she would be motivated to dish out nastiness based upon the life she has lived to date....this understanding doesn't help the issue when her words hit my heart and mind like a ton of bricks.

At times like this I am notariously silent. I will defend my family, but will not say much else back. Knowing that whatever I could say, would fall on deaf ears, because she does not care to see others as humans with feelings. She actual desires to be vicious and scornful, and has no remorse. Later, though, I wish that I could have said SOMETHING, more than "I really wish that you could learn to be nice." "It is really sad that you cannot behave better."

I know it isn't right to begin to criticize her for her faults. That is so against who I am as a person. But I have a very difficult time working with her in the areas and ways I normally work with people - which is to focus on the positive and praise.

I am a praying woman and have been definitely praying and the only things coming back are three things - memories of my Great Grandmother, a wonderful of faith southern values woman - who always had kind words for everyone - telling me when I was about 4 or 5 "child, if you can't say anything good about someone, then don't ever say anything about them at all." The song by Alabama "Song of the South" especially the phrase "hush my mouth". and then several scripture verses about God fighting my battles.

I guess that beats the answer of "Words as weapons at High Noon." lol

I feel like I am going to be a piece of fresh meat tossed to a lion tomorrow...knowing that I have you gals getting my back and thinking/praying about me will definitely help.

Any advice is definitely welcome. I am just not sure I have ever seen a situation that worked where a person tried to reason with someone unreasonable at it had good results.

I think I need to just realize that this battle is not mine...what do you all think?

DallasGal,
You don't have to sit with her during the ceremonies do you? I wouldn't. (if I didn't have to) And after...during celebrations, etc. Try to stay out of earshot of anything she might have to say. In other words, keep your distance. Not easy, but worth trying. She probably will continue saying ugly things, but if you're out of earshot - you won't have to hear them. Good luck & enjoy it all, in spite of it all....

Gently touch her on the shoulder and say, "I'm really, truly sorry that you are still emotionally involved with (insert name of husband) because I know it must hurt." They usually go out of their way to prove they aren't still involved.

I apologize for the previous poem I posted. I tend to try to find some humor in negative situations, and sometimes they're just not funny. I will refrain from doing that when the topic is something this serious. I like the other suggestions that have been offred. I hope you can find a solution and enjoy the event.

[ May 27, 2005, 10:15 PM: Message edited by: wordcharmer ]

Dallas, Only you know the whole situation and can decide if this would be appropriate. Why not pick her up a little gift box to give her to commemorate her daughter's graduation. Give it to her when you meet and whisper something very nice in her ear. If she has any heart at all, she can only show respect and appreciation for your small gesture. Just a thought.

chick

Chick, You always take the high road and a classy one at that.

Dallas, I have (strangely) had two extremely unreasonable people in my life lately and relatively close that resemble your husband's ex.

My expereince tells me, no matter how much it eats you up inside they will not hear and never internalize what you say even if it is to help. These people where born with mouths and no ears.

I literally had to confront a relative last week-end who was staying in my home after she spent 24 hours insulting everyone who came within earshot, friends family, it did not matter. When I stated we would not be discussing politics at the table and she asked me if I was eating alone I wanted to deck her! Then she stayed right on the edge of the subject throughout the meal.

The next morning she hit me again as soon as I walked out of my bedroom. I led her away from everyone and politley let her know she was not going to make my home a forum for her social idealogies and insult my friends in the process. I also suggested she grow up and learn to listen to others and their expereinces/stories and then she may know something about them and the world.

I was fuming but knew that I really only accomplished pissing off the entire hubby side of the family.

The other story is longer and without a good ending. If you can find it in your heart to do the gift thing-do it otherwise, stay far away and still support your step daughter. After all, it is her day.

Good luck-sending lots of patience.

Lynn

For me this is a hard question. I usually try very hard to avoid anyone that is unkind or insulting to me because I have a very short fuse, however in this case she seems to, if I read this right like insulting you in public, with an audience. First off were you the other women when they were married? If so, you deserve any crap she heeps upon you...That said, if not and they were already divorced then its that old "I don't want him but don't want anyone else to want him either" bull! Personally I would allow her to spew her garbage then calmly look right at her and say, "and we were all so sure that your therapy would help, oh well, guess we were mistaken," then just turn and walk away.. Whats your husband take on all this childessness? Someone once said to me to get even with someone who wishes you harm or sadness or worse, just ignore them totally, laugh alot around them and live happily....It drives them nuts. Good luck!

Chatty,

She has insulted us in public, with an audience, especially doing her criticising and name-calling in front of our daughter, and has acted out in front of our other children. At graduation, she is going to have her sister, her other daughter, and many of her other extended family there that have never met me, nor do they know me.

=) For the record, I am NOT the other woman. My husband filed for divorce from his ex-wife and My husband and his ex wife were divorced 6 years prior to my dating my now husband due to his ex-wife being unfaithful in their marriage and cheating on him with another married man, who she later married while he was still married to his wife - which is bigamy.

My husband is an amazing guy, and is my hero, and like most men, although her comments make him upset, he responds rationally and/or will ignore her and not argue with her - infuriating her by laughing off her insane comments...I am more of an emotional creature who cannot ever understand how someone who is of adult age can behave so badly and the logical "everything must be fair" mentality I have, is completely shocked and amazed each time she acts up - even though I expect her behavior to be disruptive.

Chick, I like your recommendation and will definitely take the several hours of drive time to think and pray about that. I know gut feeling says to give the extra money I would spend on her to our daughter, and make the investmest in the relationship that I desire to have long-term in my life.

All I really want from her, for myself and my husband and all of our children is just the courtesy given to a complete stranger. I don't necessarily want or need her approval or friendship.


I have to end this on an upbeat note - I have to brag about my husband, b/c he did something awesome that relates to all of this. About two weeks ago, my husband, took my engagement ring that he designed for me back. =) It has a channel of peridots and diamonds running under the #1 stone selected out of 5 stones that he "spreadsheeted" and literally proposed to me using the spread sheet describing how one stone filtered out above the rest based upon the 5 C's of diamonds. (Scary, but that is a numbers guy's way of showing love.)...anyways, this ring, he designed, one of peridots had gotten cracked...so he sent it to the jeweler who had originally designed the ring for him per his specification. (Which the design is awesome and the thought he put into makes my heart skip a beat - total of 10 stones in the ring, One is the center diamond which is awesome, channel is 5 diamonds - which is the number you get if you add the day , 2/3, that we were engaged on, which is also his parent's anniversary, and then 4 peridots in between the 5 diamonds- peridot is his birthstone, also the month we were married in, and the number "4" was the total people, him - me - and our two daughters - that represented our "blended family" - a total of 10 stones represent 10 days and we were married on August 10th. Yes, a lot of thought went into the design of this ring by my husband.) And a lot of care was spent to ensure that on the day that I would be facing something/someone from "his" past that is presently in our present/future, that my ring would be perfect again...the jeweler was delayed and my husband went to the trouble of having them overnight the ring...I didn't know this, and so after I posted my post earlier, I received the package from the jeweler which contained my ring, designed by my love.

He is the treasure in all of this, and without his ex behaving so badly, and my ex behaving so badly, I would never be able to share my home, my heart, my bed and my life with this wonderful man that God so richly blessed me with.

Every evil word she speaks, makes me desire to make my words sweeter to him and to our daughter, so that they both notice the difference that love brings into life.

If I can leave that legacy and example for our daughter, then I have done my job as her stepmom, in spite of anything that is said falsely or wrongly against me.

Dallas, show that love to her. It sounds like she needs it. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. I know you're good at it. Practice on her.

Your hubby sounds precious.

Dallas the last four sentences of the post above otsies says it all and I believe answers your questions of what to do. I know how hard this type ofEvil can bee but luckily you don't have to see her that often. If she starts up at the Graduation just interrupt her and say "oh, by the way so & so, have you dseen the lovely gift so & so gave me? Then shove the ring under her noise, smile and walk away. Honey you are the winner, you get to have the best man and also love and have a great relationship with her kids. Put this %*&#@ out of your mind, she doesn't matter at all...

Dallas Gal, I agree with the great advice that everyone else gave you. I'd just like to reinforce:

Breathe deeply. When we're tense, we often subconsciously either hold our breath, or breathe too fast.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

And remember that she's the bubble gum on the shoe of life.

You gals are a Gift sent from God.

Just wanted to let you all know that everyone survived with grace.


Dotsie, isn't it amazing when we pray for grace that God gives it to us, to give to others?


We (her entire family and mine) actually occupied the same space and time with joy - at the center - our mutually loved daughter/granddaughter/sister/aunt - who was the focal point of the day.

I, with sweet hubby by my side holding our little guy, while our "middle" child flittered like a social butterfly between all people, got the treasure of meeting our daughter's other grandfather - D.'s dad.

Leigha, I thought of you - remember some of our recent conversations about auras and light from a person...your wisdom and understanding of others helped me to not overlook on this special day. This man is a gentle soul, who has reached a place of peace and healing in his life. It was a joy meeting him, knowing all that he has overcome.


At the end of the day, when we were each going our separate ways to celebrate in our unique ways, I knew that in spite of all of the differences between us, that my daughter's mom and I have something in common - we both love a little girl who has grown up into woman.

So, I think because of this, not only did we each give each other the courtesy of a stranger, but also offered without arrogance and selfishness the time and space to allow each of us as "mom"/co-moms to experience and share the joy/sadness of this special day for and with our daughter, accepting this new level of "motherhood" for each of us.

It is amazing how you all travel with me in some of the most unusual ways.

I probably smiled more than I ever have because of all of the facts our resident smile-expert has shared.

It was a wonderful day, ladies, and thank you so much for "being there" in spirit with me.