online dating sites

Do any of you single women use the online dating sites to meet people, or if you are married or in a relationship, did you?

Due to the nature of my site, I continue to receive information about more and more of them popping up online for boomers.

Do you have any favorites?

Why, or why don't you use them?

www.fiftyplusconnect.com is advertising on BWS. Miriam is the site owner and she is delightful.

Hi Dotsie, Well, I think I qualify as a mini-expert at least. I've been doing the online dating thing for almost 3 years. Haven't found Mr. Right but met some nice gentlemen. I'm 62 so the field is somewhat limited.

I've used Match.com and Yahoo Personals. One of the issues for some of the smaller sites is that there isn't anyone in your own area, whereas with the big ones there are always dozens who live nearby. Now that doesn't mean they want YOU!

I've probably gone on first dates with three dozen men over the 3 years (most initiated by my letter to them). A handful turned into brief relationships and one lasted 8 months (the first!).

I have learned a tremendous amount about dating and men, especially at this phase of life. Men probably have it much easier in the online world--many consider it a "candy store" and never settle down with one person since they get so much attention from so many women.

For example, I've had 4 first "meets" in the past 2 months--I was interested in all 4 but the first 3 disappeared after the first meet (this is not for the faint of heart...men just can't tell you directly that they don't like you, so they just disappear after saying things that sound like they're interested).

So I don't put a lot of energy into it. I make sure I have a lot of other planned activities (like writing and acting classes) on my agenda. The dating is just an extra and if I run across Prince Charming so be it.

I only ran across one bad actor the entire time and he was another psychologist like me...now that's scary!

So online dating has it ups and downs but there aren't many other ways to meet men...so use it with some caution, lots of objectivity, and realistic expectations. As my friend said to me...well, a girl's gotta eat!! Karen

They still scare me to death. I had about given up on any serious relationship but did get introduced to a Detective some months back and have been seeing him for dinners etc. He is a widower and really a lot of fun. So who knows?

Cool, Chatty! Keep us posted on this guy.

Chatty,
How exciting as Bluebird said keep us posted .

You're dating, Chatty? I think that's great.

During my dating days we didn't have online sites. They did have personals in the newspaper but I never used them.

At least online you can see a picture but who knows if it's really them in the picture or one taken 20 years ago.

I wanted to add that my sister met her French husband on an online dating service.

Karen, a candy store? That sickens me.

Are the majority of the men you've met true to who they say they are in their ads? I'm sure it's hard to tell, but have you ever cuaght any of them forgetting what they posted aobut themselves?

I have a friend who met a guy online and they were speaking to one another daily. then all the sudden he vanished.

She chose not to let it go. She figured why go chasing him is he isn't true to his word! That's the difference between women in midlife dating in comparison to the 20 somethings. Then we thought we could change them. Now we know better.

Chatty, how did you meet him? A detective in Vegas? I bet it would be fun to pick his brains.

Dotsie, Dianne, Bluebird and Renee, Actually I have been aware of this man for quite awhile, many months, but until a dinner the SPCA had here I had only spoken to him on work related matters, you see he works on Animal Abuse cases seeing that the abusers are arrested and prosecuted to the extent of the law. He does this for the SPCA but is actually a Homicide Detective. One of the Authors in my Writers Group has picked his brain for his Crime novels and he has published numerous ones. I write Mystery Flash Fiction and as you know am an animal activist to the max and he is too, so it was kismet that we would meet, at least thats what he says. He asked me one evening after we had retrieved 4 puppies someone dumped at a rest stop probably passing through town, if I'd like to go for coffee? It was about 11:00 PM and we ended up talking for nearly 3 hours. The man makes my knees weak and thats a new one for me. Thats all I'll write here but if theres anything else my "friends" want to know just email me please. I choose to keep some things private now on the boards for obvious reasons.

He makes your knees weak? Wow. That's cool.

Could be a match made in heaven with your mutual interests. The two of you could rid Vegas of animal abusers.

Now that's romantic...rescuing puppies together.
Weak knees, you say? I know that feeling!

Ohhh...I hope I don't open a can of worms with this one, but online dating sites are not the place to find your soul mate if that is what you're after. If you're after dates, then it's fine if you are on your p's and q's, but finding your soul mate? I shudder to think. I know there are a few people that have found their special someone on the dating sites but it's rather rare. Guess the cosmos was lined up at the right time. I talk to too many women using places like Match.com, etc...and their stories would be enough to fill a horror book. The thing is, and I'll try to be brief, but the dating sites prey on the lonely, widowed, whatever, to survive. The thing is, if you can find something in your life to take up this lonely period - classes, hobbies, whatever - you are going to become prime bait for your soul mate to enter your life. And I say this because I know that a woman has to discover herself and learn to love herself before she can have a long-term relationship with anyone. Once she can get to that point in her life, she aligns herself to be in the right position to have someone come into her life. Actively seeking your soul mate or any mate is not the answer. Find yourself and your soul mate will find you.

My "lonely period" has been approximately 62 years. I've never been "prime bait" for anyone. The painful truth is that there are women whom men date and women they don't date. And it has nothing to do with brains, looks, or even sexuality (take a look at the photos, which are recent, on my website). I've always been active, found myself long ago, stay involved, busy, take every acting, writing, and professional class around, do church, community activities, am educated, attractive, active, etc. etc. I've survived just fine...but I've only had two men who even pretended to be attracted to me (one when I was 18 years old and one when I was 59 years old, and those two "relationships" lasted a total of about a dozen dates).

I married two men (whom I didn't love, nor did they love me--both needed a place to live) I picked up in bars because there had been absolutely no other offers by the time I was 23 and I wanted children (and did end up with two beautiful ones, thank the Lord). And there haven't been any genuine offers since I divorced in 1985. I was totally alone for 18 years (I mean not a coffee date, nada) until I tried to do the online dating (which for me is excruciating because I am still painfully shy) but at least I'm trying.

I realize this sounds obnoxiously whiny, but it's the truth. Two of my best women friends did find the loves of their lives online, both wonderful gentlemen.

Last weekend's "prospect", an educated, trim and handsome, college professor, spent 3 hours walking and talking with me, went on and on and even wrote later that he had such a lovely time and that I was so easy to talk to, so intelligent and attractive. But it ended the way most of these first dates have, he just disappeared. So now I can add "see you very soon" to the long list of kiss-off phrases which include, "Can I call you tomorrow," "Let's keep in touch," "I would love to get to know you better." I'm serious...those are their exact words.

So, why you ask, don't I just give it up? Who knows. Glutton for punishment, I guess. Still wanting to be loved just like other women have been...and wondering how the hell they make it happen. My soul mate definitely has not found me and I sure haven't been able to find him even with my best efforts.

Sorry for the rebuttal but most women who tell me that I'm so wonderful and that some man will come along who appreciates all I am are usually women who have had someone of their own (at least once in their lives)...and have no idea what it feels like to NEVER have experienced being truly loved by a man. I'll let the rest of you carry on this dialogue...too dang depressing.

By the way, I help other women through this crap all the time...thousands of them (probably have seen 8,000 women in my 37 years in practice). It's really too bad it isn't a two way street. The downside of being a therapist. More power to all of you who have let go of the whole thing.

When single, I dated a lot. Some were okay, some were not okay and others were losers. But some of them turned into close friends and when I left AZ to be with David in OH, I threw my own going away party and invited all of my single friends, male and female and introduced them to each other. Some of them hooked up and had serious relationships.

I thought dating was fun if you had the right people but I just never met anyone who really set my heart on fire until I stopped dating and didn't care anymore and there he was. I met him in a restaurant while waiting for a table.

I think if you can look at it as an adventure and a way of making a new friend with no expectations for anything else, it can be a bonus.

This coming from an old married lady! However, I'm not so old that I've forgotten what it was like to be on the dating scene.

I have never used online dating. It wasn't around 1987. But during my "single again" years ( 1987-roughly 1993 when I met my second/current husband and "soul mate")I used the personals several times. (Not how I met my husband, by the way) I found some real doozies. I found that most of them lie - a lot. I tried it for a while and decided it wasn't for me. The last time I answered one of those personals, it turned out to be my own brother! So, I do know that there are some decent men who do this, but I also know they stretch the truth. Thought you'd get a kick out of this story.

My girlfriend has used some of the online sites. You have to be extremely cautious with this. It is so easy for them to lie and to hide stuff from unsuspecting women who go on there in good faith hoping to meet Mr. Right.
Louisa

The gremlin ended up in the wrong spot. I couldn't make them work this morning.
Louisa

Lousia,
That story about answering you own brothers add would make a good short article for a magazine . That is so funny . I meet my husband at a party so I guess you do take a chance with online dating , but that is up to the you what you want to do . Who am I to say!

I laughed when I read that too. It WOULD make a great article about online dating. That has to be the funniest story I've ever heard. Louisa, can you give us more details about how it happened? I'd love to hear it!

[ February 25, 2006, 01:15 PM: Message edited by: Dianne ]

Very cute when you think about it Louisa made me smile...Theres a movie out where the daugher played by Dianne Lane answers her own fathers personal ad..

Possibly Dr. Karen the men you meet might be intimidated by the fact that you are a Therapist. Maybe their afraid you'll be analizing them or be able to see right through whatever false face they try to put forth. You know how men like to feel in control....

I just watched the movie you are talking about Chatty..its called "Must Love Dogs"...I thought it was a cute movie until Stockard Channing"s character starting carrying on a romance with a 15 year old boy online...and then he turned up on her doorstep...it turned out she had quite a few different profiles and personas online and just sort of went with whichever one got the most responses...I have the feeling that quite a lot of people ....not all.....really stretch the truth on those dating sites...One of my girlfriends who is really pretty emailed a guy on Match.com..they agreed to meet for a drink...she met him...they had 2 glasses of wine...she thought there was a connection...but he stood up to leave saying he had to get back to the hospital to check on a patient (he claimed to be a Cardiologist)and that he would call her next week...as they were leaving the restaurant he said good bye and went to the Men's room...she sat in her car for a few minutes...and damn if he didn't come bustling out looking at his watch and walked right into the restaurant next door...after 10 minutes she walked in and saw him sitting at the bar with another lady...this guy was an operator for sure!!!

Oh my and thats just two more reasons these things scare the beegeebies out if me...too many horror stories out there. Thank God she found him out before any real damage was done....

Hello, everyone: I'm so glad I found this site. Your insights & sharing of experiences are fascinating, touching, & inspiring. I'm trying to get back into the dating game at age 53, despite the total lack of encouragement by anyone I've told this to. I was very struck by something Doctor Karen said & hope she has time to elaborate:

"The painful truth is that there are women whom men date and women they don't date. And it has nothing to do with brains, looks, or even sexuality (take a look at the photos, which are recent, on my website)."

I fear I've more often than not been one of those women that men don't date. I'm not sure why. Ever since high school my reactions from males has run the gamut from those who were interested in me but threw in the towel at the first bump in the road, or were really really not into me at all. I've often thought that at various points in my life I have either not been attractive enough to overcome any baggage I might be carrying, or not interesting enough. I'm shy and reserved in some circumstances, but not all. I know I've let my self-consciousness about my weight and shape (which at times have been 15 pounds too much) prevent me from dressing sexily (I tend to hide under oversized blouses). But lots of women apparently do that. I'm no beauty queen but, again, the same can be said of many women. What I'm getting at is, I think my overall problem is that somehow, someway, I'm giving off an un-datable "vibe." In reading through many of your posts on this "single" forum I get the idea that many of you ladies get male attention. I sadly just don't get that. I'm not willing to give up, though. I'm 53 and I think that's too young (assuming I'll be alive a good many more years!!) to just pack it all in and call it a day, in terms of men. I don't particularly expect or even want marriage---but I certainly want friendship, company, dating, sex again. It's been many years since my last relationship. I would greatly appreciate any insights Doctor Karen or anyone else could share about this notion that some women are simply not the kind of women men ask out. Thanks and have a great week.

latebloominglady, welcome to our neighborhood. I'm glad you jumped in. I'm one of the married old farts in here so I don't have much advice. However, I would like to say that I think you should think less about your appearance and more about your personality and the gifts you have to offer in a relationship (of which I'm sure are many.. )

I met my last (and best) husband on the Internet -- unfortunately, I can't remember the site. At that point I wasn't looking for marriage material -- just companionship and ...
We did a lot of emailing and I asked for a reference from a friend of his. A female friend told me how great and safe he was -- all true.

But this occurred after a lot of work I had done on myself. There's a great book called "Are You the One for Me?" by Barbara DeAngelis. I also went to a psychic in despair that I would ever find anyone at the age of 49, especially since my teenage son was into drugs and a real problem. She told me there was someone out there for me (true or not, it gave me hope, which is something I needed), to write out my life story and get some body work done. I did and got more of a sense of self, less desparation and more contentedness.

A client of mine in her 30s who is also looking had a great line last week, "I need to be the person I want to meet."

Hope that helps and good luck!

latebloominglady, WELCOME! I don't have a spin on whether someone is "datable" or not, but I do believe we can give off "don't come near me" vibes or other kinds. Yes I do believe this.

I am a firm believer in "you are what you think." I told my Daddy years and years ago (teenager years) that I couldn't understand why so-n-so didn't call me for a date. I added, "I guess I'm just not good enough for him. Yes, it was self-pity.

Daddy said, "If you think you are good enough, you are. If you think you are NOT good enough, you are right again."

While I didn't want the philosophy, I wanted someone to join my pity party, he was right.

I think alot of times when we meet people, the things going on in our lives effects the "vibes" we give to others. For instance, I've been in a bad mood before (I know, hard to believe, isn't it?) and upon meeting people I came across as a negative individual. When the opposite is true.

Here's what I believe in a nutshell....focus on what you WANT, not what you LACK. If you focus on what is NOT in your life, or the LACK of something, the Universe hears it and gives you more of it. God wants you to have all things...but if what you want is not what you believe you deserve, then you will get what you focus on, which is "no mate, no companion" etc...

Try this exercise...think about Mr. Right and what kind of qualities you would want in a person...focus on that for a week. Add to it, subtract from it as you design your life. Also think about how you want to "come across" to everybody you meet, (i.e., happy, secure, "dateable"). Keep these thoughts in your mind and don't let negative ones enter, not even the ones that say, "but what if...'

Okay, I'm getting on a soapbox...I'll quit. Forgive...but I think we have to be and feel good inside and then it projects, outside.

JJ

I've been with the same man since I was 18, that's 30 years now!

And as much as I love him and plan to share the rest of my life with him, I DO sometimes wonder what kind of guy eharmony would pick for me. It sounds fun to go through the psychological profile and then see what happens.

But I won't - I'm married and I'm a chicken!! Braack!

Thanks, ladies. I appreciate your comments. I’ll cut & paste a few of them with my responses below, okay?

“However, I would like to say that I think you should think less about your appearance and more about your personality and the gifts you have to offer in a relationship (of which I'm sure are many.. )”

If you’ll go back & reread my original post, you’ll see that I said I didn’t really think the problem was with my appearance.... I do realize personality is a factor. I’ve been described as “real” and “genuine” and “friendly” and “warm”---but those words don’t seem to make me appealing as a date, I guess. I don’t know.

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“A client of mine in her 30s who is also looking had a great line last week, "I need to be the person I want to meet."

That’s a very interesting concept—thanks! Also, I’ll check out that DeAngelis book; I’ve heard others speak highly of it.

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“Yes, it was self-pity.”
“While I didn't want the philosophy, I wanted someone to join my pity party, he was right.”

Golly,with all due respect (and appreciation for your taking the time to answer my post), I really dislike characterizing people as wanting to have “pity parties.” To me, someone who “pities” herself isn’t really someone who reaches out and asks for constructive insights; rather, she just sits there and thinks there are no answers. And that does not describe me.

“Try this exercise...think about Mr. Right and what kind of qualities you would want in a person...focus on that for a week. Add to it, subtract from it as you design your life. Also think about how you want to "come across" to everybody you meet, (i.e., happy, secure, "dateable"). Keep these thoughts in your mind and don't let negative ones enter, not even the ones that say, "but what if...”

I think this makes a lot of sense ... and I’ve actually tried to come across as someone I’d like to meet. For example: I think it’s important to listen to people when they talk to you rather than think about what I want to say. On the phone when I’ve spoken to men I’m going to have a blind date with (I signed up for a “let’s have lunch” type of dating service one time; and I have a divorced friend who knows a lot of single men who claim they are wanting to meet someone to date), they always tell me I’m a great listener and someone they really enjoy talking to. (I “give great conversation.”) Then, when I meet these fellows for our date, they take one look and are not interested. I always have approached these dates with the attitude of “even if we don’t have chemistry, this is a great chance just to meet someone nice, a friend, whatever.” I also am very nice to the person even if I am not attracted to him. On the other hand, these guys act like they can’t stand to even endure a cup of coffee with me. Again, though I wouldn’t win a beauty contest, I do take pride in my appearance and think I look as attractive as some women.)

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“but I think we have to be and feel good inside and then it projects, outside.”

I’ve heard this so many times, and it really does make sense. It really does. However, I know so many wonderful women who have lousy self-esteem and yet they seem to have no problem attracting men. So it makes me wonder how they differ from me.

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I have a married friend who has told me point blank I am “obviously not doing something right.” In her case, when she said the same of herself, she changed how she dressed (from that of a tomboy to a professional working woman) and even moved to a gated community that had the type of men in it she wanted to end up with (family types rather than the arty types she had been living around in the city). She extends this advice in areas I will not consider, though: She told me I should never spend any time with any gay male friends because that announces to the world that I only like gay male friends. Wow. She also I think, quite frankly, is just prejudiced against gay people (based on other things she has said about the whole subject), and that is something I simply cannot tolerate. I don’t even see my two gay male friends but half a dozen times a year, at most, but they are my friends and I will not dump them from my life. But I digress....

You know what? I think what has baffled me is that I have known so many women who do not have high self-esteem and do not practice the things you have mentioned here (thinking about what you want rather than what you lack, for example) and who may or may not be considered attractive who nevertheless seem to attract men. It’s hard at times for me, who tends to like to solve problems, to understand how their behavior and “self-talk” is so wildly different from mine. But perhaps it is.

I’ll throw another question out at you ladies. I’ve already made up my mind on this one, but I’m still curious what you think: For someone who hasn’t ever been married and has only dated in her life, is 53 too young to pack it all in and give up on ever having romance again? I say absolutely not, but some of my senior friends (and even friends of my own age) who are married with kids, grandkids, etc., roll their eyes and imply I should just give up. I know, it doesn’t matter what they think. But their attitude is puzzling to me and I’m curious if other boomer women agree.

I hope "the Doctor" is still reading this post and will have time to let me know what she was getting about when she said in her practice that she's met many women whom men just don't date.

Anyway, many thanks, again. ladies, for your thoughts.

I'm no longer single but I used to be called a dating professional by my girlfriends and I haven't forgotten what it was like so I'd like to give you my input if it's okay.

I used to talk to my male friends about the women that men approach and the ones they didn't. I had a denim jacket that read on the back, Hogs Breath...Better Than No Breath At All. My friends all said that the jacket showed I was approachable and that I had a sense of humor.

Now, if I was dressed up nicely, it's a given I wouldn't be wearing that crazy jacket but my body language, smile, etc. showed if I was approachable. I've found that the opposite sex loves a woman who is out having a good time and laughing with her friends and not the least bit concerned if she meets a man or not. That's when you have to beat the men off with a stick. If you are "looking to meet men" you can't attract a cockroach from the woodwork because that look of desperation shows.

I agree with Dr. Karen...there are women who just aren't date material. My take on this, and I'm writing this at the risk of upsetting some, is this: If we dress matronly and look more like our mother than a woman who would make a nice date, what man would want to ask us out? Who would want to date their mom? I wouldn't want to go out with a man who looked like my father and dressed like an old fashioned fuddy-duddy! I'd rather stay home.

Some will say that we don't want a man who is only interested in our outward qualities but the truth is, that is what first attracts men as they are visual creatures. So, go with the great smile, vibrant personality but also, dress like a woman who isn't imitating her mother. And, it's never to late and you're never too old to stop dating!

P.S. There is a certain "sexiness" that has nothing to do with size or shape or looks.

quote:

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Golly,with all due respect (and appreciation for your taking the time to answer my post), I really dislike characterizing people as wanting to have “pity parties.” To me, someone who “pities” herself isn’t really someone who reaches out and asks for constructive insights; rather, she just sits there and thinks there are no answers. And that does not describe me.

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Honey, I was 16. It was all about me then. I also wasn't trying to describe you, but give you the analogy that we are what we think.

It sounds like you are analyzing this so much that your becoming obsessed with the "why." Also, from what I read, you are thinking there is something wrong with YOU and trying to figure out what that is so you can correct it. Hmm...

I think the advice of just enjoying everyone you meet is good advice. Maybe?

As far as your friends saying you should give it up, you basically answered that question. At least in my mind. Why would you care what they say? SOME, notice I didn't say ALL, people who have been married for a bazillion years like to think the grass is greener on the other side and they think if they could be single, they would never marry again. I think that is why they say this...they dream of not having to share themselves, unless by choice. Just a thought.

JJ