RELATIONSHIPS - RELINQUISHING CONTROL

What major areas would be the #1 and #2 places you would hate to give up control you have as a single if you got into a serious/committed relationship?

hmmm, this requires some thought.

1) Relinquish out of my control a large sum of money that I earned where it was for a someone else's mistake or decision I never agreed at all, with in the first place.

2) To do the things that I personally love to do on my own for a long time.

3) Freedom to do leave house in and out on my own as I please. I know this sounds strange, but think for some strict Muslim..they cannot did this easily or they do but have to be covered up..

I didn't even have to think about this:

1. My own financial control. I am not wealthy but I do NOT ever wish to be in a relationship with co-mingled funds again. At maximum, it would be a joint mortgage and a joint checking if required for bills, but no more beyond that. I really believe we MUST be financially independent and co-mingling funds without specifically stating the boundaries and intentions is a good recipe for trouble.

2. I would never, ever relinquish transparency and complete honesty in a relationship--to anyone who was in my life, even if my partner or someone close asked me to veil or hide the truth. Never, ever, ever.

While making the new relationship a priority, I certainly wouldn't give up time for other relationships with children, siblings, parents, friends, etc.

I would also have a hard time giving up my work, which is my second passion, family is first.

Good question.

I can speak on this from experience, all BAD!

I had been widowed a second time, this time for 14 years when I began a long didtance relationship with a man. My two previous husbands were both wonderful, trustworthy and loving men to me. I camre from happily married relatives, so scoundrols were not something I had come up against.
This new man said all te right things, and lied through his teegth, but I never knew that till too late. He came to town and we met, spent some quality time together, he still behabving like my Prince Charming. He asked me to marry him professing his deep love. We were married on Mothers Day and he went with me to meet the family. He was from Minnesota. He moved in baga and baggage, I of course being a trusting (stupid) wife, put his name on my (free and clear)home, my (free and clear) Cadillac car and least I forget ALL of my (in good standing) credit cards. He said he was swelling all he had in Minnesota and would add to what I already had. HAH!!! He had a shack there filled with garbage, and I mean garbage, he is a (sick in the head) garbage collector. For three years he didn't work, not a lick and of course didn't know which end of a hammer to use, to say he isn't handy around trhe house would be a kind statement. He literally ruined my car, had to get two new ones. He ran my credit cards into the ground, literally and to really show you how much caution you need when taking in some strange man no matter how much you think you know him, he was impotent. Yep, wasn't handy in that room either. Now in all honesty, he is a pleasant person, laughs a lot and LOVES to grocery shop and nis probably the best bargain hunter I have ever come across. He did all the shopping which is good, because I hate shopping. We were marries from 1995 until 2001, and I finally had had enough and "tricked him" into a divorce, boy talk about a deer in the headlights...LOL!

The putz is still hanging around as he has no family, all dead. I was nearly ruined, NO, actually I was ruined. He filed for bankrupcy to get him out from under my then, bad credit, thanks to him and some of his own. There is more to this story but I won't bore you further, JUST please NEVER relinquish anything to a new man, keep everything separate. Granted, maybe not all men are losers like mine was but do you want to take that chance? God, I hope not...

Not being able to edit is driving me f-ing CRAZY!

Chatty Lady - your story sounds like that of a friend of mine who had been divorced for years and met a guy taking dance lessons. He managed to convince her that he needed to move in with her ASAP -- he had no job, no retirement and virtually no savings. She is a retired school teacher, owns her home, etc. Long story short: They got married (he wanted to), he managed to avoid work for several years until she told him he needed to get a job or hit the road. He does seem to have stepped up to the plate and is working. Time will tell. Her family is still in shock, and does not get along with him.

I agree with all of the comments you ladies have made. Personally, I could not give up my passions of cycling and hiking, or relinquish control of my finances.

BUT, ALL OF THESE THINGS NEED TO BE WORKED OUT BEFORE THE RELATIONSHIP BECOMES SERIOUS. SO MANY COUPLES SEEM TO GET COUPLED AND NEVER TALK ABOUT HOW THEY ARE GOING TO LIVE THEIR DAILY LIVES.

Amen, CG. This is exactly why I will never, ever give up transparency in a relationship. We have to be brutally honest with ourselves and others in any agreement or arrangement and set those expectations.

I dated a guy for a very short period who I found out was a loser from the word go. Didn't work, didn't have any income. Told me he was "self-employed." Found out his old mom (83 YO) was put in a nursing home and he was trying to get the house taken from her due to "dimentia" <sp?> and put her on Medicaid cause he was too lazy to get off his dufus and WORK, he was trying to get the deed transfered into his name so he could sell it and not be responsible for his mom's care. I think he was also looking for somebody to support him. He would say stuff to me like "you have a nice car, I'll be you paid a lot for it" (no LOL...I bought it used and took extremely good care of it) and "I think you make a good paycheck" and within 5-6 dates asked me to move in with him. I got wise to him at that point and ended the relationship. He nagged, whined, carried on so. I nearly told him to go to H-E-double toothpicks.

Sounds to me like some midlife men are getting scared and hanging on to good women for dear life!

I think I've mentioned this b4, yet I knew a woman from the UK married 4X. The 1st and 2nd were US GI's. Met the 3rd and 4th on line. The 3rd lost his job and moved from SC to HI w/out telling her b/c he was too embarrassed - even tho he cleaned out their accounts. When she located him, he asked her to move to HI and continue their marriage. The 4th asked her to move to VA, and that communion ended in divorce, too.

The later 2 marriages were gold diggers; yet, I'd like to add that she was no catch as she was and is a very verbally abrasive/abusive person. So, I guess she got what she wanted, payback husbands 1 & 2 of whom she repeatedly cheated on!

I know women in long term relationships who are 'fighting' to keep it going, and losing themselves along the way. They, too, are verbally abusive, consume alcohol excessively, smoke, curse like a sailor, and like to verbally abuse women not in relationships - I think they consider independent women like myself as weak b/c they don't have a man. Hell, that lack thereof is no loss to me, its a gain!