30-something miscarries

I never miscarried (went through four years of infertility, but never got pregnant and miscarried) so I'm wondering what's appropriate when you want to share your sorrow to a young person who has recently miscarried. I don't want to be dramatic, but want to reach out.

Treat it as a death. Do NOT say "You can always have another" because only God knows that.

My SD had one and we sent her and her DH a sympathy card and a dried floral arrangement.

It is a loss/death of a dream.

Di, I was hoping you'd respond. Thanks. I didn't know if a sympathy card was appropriate.

I miscarried twice. Only my aunt spoke to me about it, at a very inappropiate time. It was my son't first communion. I know she meant well, but it didn't do me any good at all. I was so happy to be distracted and busy with guests and the ceremony. Then she came along in her overly symapthetic way. It overwhelmed me so, that I locked myself in the bathroom, and ignored my guests and everything else till I could get my own act together again.

I can only speak of myself, but I don't think it is wise to mention or talk about a miscarriage, unless the mother starts the subject herself.

I"m sorry you had to endure such treatment. EW. Most don't know WHAT to say, so usually they say nothing or say the wrong thing...apparently like your aunt did.

A miscarriage is the death of God's creation. The women I know become very depressed when NO ONE acknowledges when they have this experience. It's out of the comfort zone of most.

A sympathy card is most appropriate and an offer of a service etc might also be helpful. Ie: Running errands, walking the dog, or offering some nice tea time treats or a nice spa basket as a gift.

I remember the people who did contact me when we had the disappointment and grief..who acknowledged that loss of dreams and wishes.
A little note to reread and keep.
I still feel there should have been three children to love..but some people did say "you can try again" which did not touch what we felt..
I always mention to friends who have a loss that I am thinking about them..but dont tell new people unless the subject comes up.

MA, thanks for your answer. I like the idea of a note to keep and read. Sorry about your miscarriage all these years later.

Di, I'm going to do the card idea with note. I think that's appropriate in this case.

EW, I get it. That's why I asked. Everyone is different and we need to take that into account. I also believe that there are certain people whose words could bring me to tears faster than if another person spoke those same words. Sometimes it's the messenger.

A miscarriage is a death anyway you look at it and there is nothing easy about having one or knowing how to comfort a woman who has had one. Very sad indeed!

When wanting to support a person who is gone or going through a traumatic experience what works for me is to wait for the openness to express. Sometimes just sitting and/or being present and creating space is the most helpful thing we can do. Being with a person in mourning versus doing anything always works for me. Listening to the unspoken needs, whether is sharing a joke or a profound experience, when you support someone from your heart, they know it, you are always right when you come from your heart and you are present to them.

I agree 100% Monica. Sometimes just being there silently with the woman is what is needed. It's sad no matter who has suffered the loss, or how old they are. I remember when my mother had one and she was older, already had five children but she was still devastated. She would dream about, and hear a baby crying; and that went on for months.

chatty, how sad.

Monica is right about jsut being still with the person and letting them initiate conversation. Sometimes an ear is all one needs.