My friends make me nuts..........

yea. Sometimes my friends make me nuts. On Mon, I asked a friend if she wanted to go to the art festival this coming weekend in a nearby town (it's a great festival, held every year). Her reply was "I'm thinking about going on Sat, but I can't commit this far in advance". Ok, it's Mon. I'm asking if you want to go somewhere this weekend, not in July of next year!! so she wants to let me know later in the week.......when? Fri night? Sat morning when I've already given up and am headed to the gym, she'll call and want to go?!? I mean, if we made plans to go, and she called at the last minute to cancel because she had to babysit her grandson or whatever, of course I'd be understanding. I have been in the past and I'm sure I will be again. Stuff happens. It's not like I've ever gotten angry at anybody who's had to change a plan at the last minute. This same gal is the one who always thinks it's ok to include her 28 year old daughter in our plans without telling anyone until we all meet up to go wherever or meet up at wherever we're going. And the daughter is inconsiderate as hell and always makes us change our plans or be late. Ok I guess I needed to vent. But do you ever feel like you're the only one who considers anyone else's feelings and get really sick and tired of it?!?
and yes I have other friends I could ask to go. Everybody's tied up this weekend or their health issues prevent them from being able to walk the distance of the festival. And yea I could go alone, and I may just do that.

Truth be told ladies, my granddaughter the one who was attacked and her mother do not get along. Her mom, my ex DIL, lived togeher after the split up until Sept. after the granddaughter was done using her mother as a free babysittrer and moved out leaving her mother to pay all the3 condo expence herself. It was a very mean thing to do and she laughed about leaving her mom hanging. So they weren't speaking. I talk to my DIL on the phone and we are pretty close, heck she and my son were together 26 years. I like her alot. So the rest of the story, no one in the family approves of my granddaughters occupation and I told her when the bad karma you are creating comes at you it will come at you hard... I hate to say I told you so, but on her way home late one night she stopped at one of those little all night stores in the middle of nowhere and upon leaving was attacked, raped savagely, cut and nearly beaten to death. She remains in a coma as I write this. It was of course unexpected and her baby was at home with a sitter (thank God.)so the police called her mother from stuff they found in her wallet. My DIL called me frantic because she had just started her new job and was afraid to ask for time off. So I had to drop everything, fly there and first go to the hospital then to get the baby who the babysitter took home to her mother. The inlaws were called and refused to help, so I flew back and forth with baby and my dog, then picked up my own car so I could get around better. I was already feeling tired and kind of sick and all the hulabaloo set off the worst cold I've ever had and then ruined my own plans I'd had for weeks. My DIL now has the baby, her graqnddaughter... and has beggged a leave of absence from her new job. No one k nows what comes next, it depends on how fast her daughter heals and what damage has been doneI am staying inside my house and have turned the ringer off on my phones. I need rest and quiet.

So Ann I do truly understand how friends can sometimes make you nuts and family too. My greatgranddaughter will be 1 on Oct. 23rd. and I haven't seen her since she was 4 months old yet no one thinks twice to ask me to take over her care for God knows how long. She is adorable but a very cranky, crying child. Most probably because of her mothers spoiled rotten disposition.

I spend alot of time alone, I go out and eat alone, to movies alone and just roaming around usually alone and guess what? I like it better alone. Yet the harshness of the outside world manages to creep in and kick my behind!!!

Geez Chatty what a mess all that is. Makes my problems look like nothing more than me whining.

I just don't know how things got this way, ok? I think I have lots of friends, yet everyone is so wrapped up in their own stuff, that the days I get to enjoy doing stuff with friends seem to be few and far between. And while sometimes I do enjoy doing stuff alone most of the time I'd rather share a good time with a friend. It's more fun, for me, that way. Once in a while I don't mind going to something alone but it's way more fun, for me with a friend or a group of friends.

A couple of my friends are babysitting grandkids a lot. One is so wrapped up in volunteering for Strides and Relay for Life that her calendar is one meeting after another -- that's all she has time for. One is retired from an airline and travels a lot. Some like to drink (a lot!) and I'm not into that. When I go with them, I end up feeling like I'm the one babysitting as they all get wasted. They want me to join them on a 7 day cruise in Jan but I know they're going to be boozing it up the whole time, and while I have nothing against drinking, when you don't do it and everyone else gets bombed -- well, forget it.

The things I like to do -- beach, arts & craft festivals, whatever -- my husband doesn't like to do or can't because of his disability. I get resentful because I bust my butt helping out at fishing tournaments for disabled veterans because that's what he likes to do, but it doesn't seem like we do much else togther, now that I think about it. Sometimes I very much feel like it's all about everyone else and it's never about ME. And right now I'm going thru a phase where I am just sick and tired of it. It's depressing me, I'm tired of trying to do it all around the house, and not getting out to have any fun lately. When I took Brandy for her walk this morning I just wanted to keep on walking and not turn around and come home.

I think most of our lives are with extremes. At least mine is; - extremely busy, or everyone else is busy.

I wrote a poem about you and your giving nature Chatty. It's in our poetry thread. Your bad cold is most likely from overdoing it, and not getting enough rest. I'm glad to hear the DIL has taken her grandchild. That sure makes more sense than having the great grandmother doing all that running around.

Crossstitch Queen, I hear what you are saying. It is odd, the givers are often taken for granted. Wonder why that is? I bought an excellent German book, it's a bestseller here. The title says it all: - I'll translate:

"Love Yourself, then it doesn't matter who you marry."

CrossStitch Queen, I so hear you!!! I'm going through some very stressful situations in my life right now and feel so alone. I don't know how I got here either!!! I'm one of those people who gave a lot, especially a lot of time and listening and care to others, but now that I'm the one in need, nobody's there. One of my situations involves a fairly serious (or at least, frightening) health issue...there's not one person, one girlfriend I can phone and talk about it. Nobody. And hubby doesn't feel comfortable talking about it because he's scared too. It scares him to face the possibility of losing me. So I feel terribly alone these days. If it weren't for being able to confide in some of my sisters here, who have been praying me through the past few weeks, I'd be going out of my mind. I will eventually share the health issue, but still have to find a way to tell my niece first, who will be devastated. I'm waiting until I know exactly what we're dealing with before telling her.

Anyway, I do hear you, and feel your frustration and emotional pain. I'm having to come face to face with so much these days and it isn't easy doing it alone.

well things are looking up at the moment. Lunch planned with a friend tomorrow after a visit with my mom, then a beach day planned for Fri with my closest friend, then possibly the art festival on Sat with another friend. Maybe with a few days of doing some fun stuff and letting off some steam I'll feel more like my old self. Oh and just planned a 7-day cruise for Jan with an old friend (my husband has no interest in going and a group of gals I know are going, so this friend and I decided to room together) that alone has perked me up!!

I decided maybe I needed to make an effort to reach out more. As a friend of mine always says, it's either feast or famine. I'm either bored and lonely or there's more going on than I can keep up with.

Eagle Heart -- I sure know what you're saying. It's hard when you feel you have no one to talk to. I do have friends I can call and cry on their shoulders when I need to.........although sometimes it's with their grandkids screaming in the background (and yes then you do wonder at times if you have their full attention) and sometimes it's when they're driving from one meeting to another. But when I had my last surgery I had friends show up with prepared meals, they vacumned, changed the sheets, etc, because they knew I couldn't and knew that my husband can't. So they do come thru for me when it counts. Is there really no one you can talk to? I don't know what your health issue is but I hope you find someone to talk to, you need to be able to express your thoughts and fears about it (I discovered the website www.hystersisters.com when I was facing my hysterectomy because I didn't have anybody to talk to about it.......yes my friends could listen, but none of them had been thru it, so while they did the best they could, I needed help from people who had been there). You can't hold everything inside. There have been times I've told my husband "I know you really don't want to hear about this, but you're the only one here, so listen anyway because I've got to let it out". Whatever is going on with you -- additional stress can't be good for it.
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Ann, I'm so happy that things are looking up for you. All of the things you mentioned sound fun and nurturing to your spirit.

And I can relate to the "feast or famine" dilemma as well. When we're traveling or gearing up for another trip, there aren't enough hours in the day. But when we're just home, with nothing on the calendar for awhile, life can roll into a rut that's boring and lonely.

Getting here to this level of isolation has taken years of various twists and turns in the road. If I allow myself to think of all that has brought me to this point, it threatens to crush and suffocate me, because I can scarcely believe that I've had the stamina and courage to get through it all...but I could also be crushed by a deep sense of despair and failure if I'm not careful, because I've allowed so much to go unchallenged, so much that has caused such destruction, actions and behaviours by others that have had, continue to have and will long have devastating ripple effects for so many.

In many ways, I feel stuck. Sometimes I fantasize about just running away and starting over somewhere....in fact, I think I was on the verge of doing so a few weeks ago, but two things stopped me...one was that I literally had no place to go. Any safe places I might have once had are all gone, either through death or through these devastating circumstances that have rocked my world in the past few years. I quite honestly have nobody and nowhere to turn to for help or escape.

The other thing that stopped me was the health issue...my husband has shared with everyone he knows, so it's already out there, so why am I not sharing it here. I was diagnosed with cancer three weeks ago today. LUCKILY (so they tell me), it's the best cancer once could ask for if they were going to be able to choose. It's endometrial (uterine) cancer, and it's highly possible that surgery will completely eradicate. I'm just waiting for the phone call for my surgery date, hopefully sometime in November.

This has been a very scary thing to deal with, especially given that both my Mom and brother (as well as countless aunts and in-laws) died of cancer so recently. But I'm managing to stay positive and hopeful. But even after the cancer has been dealt with, there will still be these other issues that have to be dealt with, both short-term and long-term. I honestly don't know where I will be - or want to be - a year from now. My life is in utter chaos and I don't know how to deal with it any other way right now than just staying put and taking it one day at a time...and taking deep breaths to try and draw in wisdom and perspective and gratitude whenever possible.

Addendum: I have to ask any of my facebook friends to please not mention the cancer there yet, until I figure out a time and a way to tell my niece (she's an avid FB user)

Yes, life does roll into a rut that's boring and lonely at times, and that's where I've been for a few weeks.

I'm truly sorry to hear your news and I hope your surgery gets scheduled quickly and all goes well. One day at a time, at this point, is the best and only way to deal with it. I can't even imagine what you are going thru.

You may not be interested in doing so, but I know that online support groups were a big help to me, when I was facing a hysterectomy, and I'm sure there are support groups out there with lots of info and supportive women who would be glad to be there for you. It might be something you'd want to consider checking out, if you think it might help.

And of course we here at BWS will be here for you as well.

Eagleheart, hope your announcement doesn't go under in this thread.

Shocking news, but at the same time I read your optimism and know that is half the battle. You've gone through alot, and this too you will handle with bravo. Just know that my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Thinking of you my friend.

Ann, thank you for your suggestions...I've looked at the hyster-link last night and couldn't handle it right then. I've thought about an online cancer-support group - I know that I received a great deal of supportive advice when I was taking care of my brother. My cancer may not be so serious and might not require anything more than surgery to fix. So I sort of feel unentitled to in-depth support at this point. Silly, I suppose, but that's how I feel. There are so many going through so much worse that I feel a bit over-dramatic asking for anything right now, except perhaps prayer.

Edelweiss, I did sort of just blurt it out, didn't I. It's been really hard keeping it in for 3 weeks. I found out just before my niece's wedding, and at that point didn't know too much about it. It was difficult keeping a cheerful face throughout the festivities. I did manage to find a nice pocket of quiet time with my brother and shared with him, and was delighted to receive a caring email from him late last night (unusual for him). So that's hopeful too. He's the only other person who also knows about the other situations going on...he's been surprisingly supportive and wise in his advice. So that may be an unforeseen - and lovely - ally in the coming months.

Angelika, your picture is very appropro...there's a song that I continuously sing/pray these days (I've changed the words slightly)...the chorus goes "Healing waters flow on, wash away my pain, bring your healing to my heart, help me live once again." Your picture is like an affirmation that God is listening.

Eagle
my thoughts and possitive belief in a good outcome for you wing their way to you.
love Mountain ash

Just thinking about the whole issue of calling friends...it takes something that I haven't been able to drum up for many years. Not sure what to call it...courage doesn't quite articulate it. More like "chutzpah", or audacity? Maybe a mixture of audacity and trust? It amazes me how some people, perhaps even most people, don't even think twice about phoning people. I wish I had that...it can take me DAYS of drumming up courage/audacity/whatever to make one phone call to my brother. I start to sweat, I've even cried on occasion from the anxiety it triggers when I have to call someone. If it's for business or medical appointment, it's not so bad. But trying to call a family member or friend, it's almost impossible. I was always able to call my Mom and my brother Gary with no problem. Ironically, the only two people in the world I could just phone and chat with without anxiety are both gone and there's nobody left that I feel that bravado or comfort with.

I don't know how you find that. I suppose it depends on the quality of relationship and/or trust level with the person you're calling. Maybe a string of bad phone experiences hasn't helped either. And maybe having someone to call in the first place.

For now, my online friends are my only real contacts. I have to find ways to change that, to make new friends. For me, that's a very frightening challenge...many of the things that have been going on in our lives recently have further eroded my confidence and made me extremely wary and untrustful...even my best friend of 30 years just recently betrayed my confidence which is causing immeasurable heartache right now.

I have to be honest and admit that I feel a great affinity with Job these days.

I think Eagle, you can find true inner peace, if you realize that the best friend you have is YOU. People who need other people to be happy are actually rather dependent. Of course it’s fun to go out with others and chat, laugh and mingle,…but you always do return alone, to yourself and your daily routine.

Isn’t it more important to work on your alone time, than worrying about making new friends, dealing with phone calls that may even cause stress? Discovering and doing exactly what you want, and only what you want is liberating in every way. Many animals are loners on this planet. There are the herd animals and those that aren’t. If it’s in your nature to be a sole individual, than so be it. Don’t try to be what you aren’t.

I have friends for different needs. No best friends, and frankly I don’t have time for best friends. I plan to join a movie making club. I won’t be looking for new friends, but if it should happen, then only those where there is a natural click. Those are the stress free ones, the friends where you understand each other in almost a magical way.

How are you feeling today? Any medical news?

Yeah, what Edelweiss said! Beautifully put.

I wrote a whole chapter on exactly that point in my own book...maybe I need to go back and read it!



I'm constantly "should"ing myself into the depths of despair because I'm constantly trying to be someone I'm not wired to be. I'm not wired to be social, I do love my solitude and find strength, liberation and empowering there, especially when mentored, inspired and in solidarity with the wise women I meet along my way (whether online or elsewhere). It really is up to me and me alone to give meaning (or not to give meaning) to anything and everything going on in my life.



Physically, I'm strong and healthy. All that walking in Vegas last week did wonders for my physical well-being. Now if I can just stop ruminating on all the negative stuff going on around me and focus on all the positives that are also going on, my mental health would be much better too! As for news, just found out that my surgery is scheduled for Nov 22.

Thank you Edelweiss for reminding me of perspective and being true to oneself.

Hi Ann,
I am brand new here tonight (Wed. Nov.24th)and not sure how to proceed. I read what you wrote and can relate, as I recently took a girls-weekend to a Bed & Breakfast with my friend of nearly 25 years (we met when our children were in kindergarten). We have taken such trips together the last four years, but this year it didn't go well. Kinda confused by her behavior...
Anyway, would like to post; (would appreciate a reply as I'm not even sure I am posting correctly).
Hello to all others posting here too.

Paige in PA

Yes Paige you are posting correctly. First of all welcome to the site. We love new members here.

In what way did your friend act differently? I have had friends of long years, who have changed, or maybe I was the one who changed. Maybe with age I became more intolerant. Not sure, but I'm at the point in my life where I don't want to waste time with folks that make me unhappy, puzzled or even put me in embarrasing situations. Been there, and have dropped them. Life is too short.

Hi Paige and welcome!

I've taken a lot of trips with my gal pals. My husband's a quadraplegic who uses a wheelchair full time and I'm a full time caregiver so when I can get a break and take a trip with friends believe me I grab it. I can tell you there are trips that live in my memory as being the most fun ever and other trips that maybe didn't go so well. Sometimes it just happens. Maybe she had something on her mind that was distracting her, maybe you two had a disagreement about something, maybe there was something she wasn't telling you. I'm on the same page as Edelweiss -- I have reached a point in my life where I won't waste my time with people who are negative. One of my best friends taught me that life is too short to spend it around people who bring me down. But I also believe in giving people a 2nd chance (and usually a 2nd chance with me is the LAST one you get, I have a tendency to back off and distance myself after that if I feel I need to). If you gals have been good friends for 25 years and traveled together for 4, you should be able to talk about it. After 25 years of friendship you both deserve honesty from the other one.
Yes you posted correctly!! You'll know when you get these replies.

Welcome Paige in PA. I'm sure the members here can give you
moral support. I agree with Edelweiss that life is too short to
remain in toxic relationships. Betrayal can come when least expected, but so can blessings and rescue. Trust your instincts. A woman's intuitions are strong.

Welcome, Paige! I agree with Crosstitch, if you have been friends for that long you should be able to have a conversation about what bothered you. If you can't, then perhaps it's time to examine your relationship and see if it's one you want to keep.

I feel that if we didn't change over the years something would be strange.Times that twice...each of you will have met and surmounted issues.Totally respecting another person accepts difference.

"For Auld lang Syne" a Scottish ballad makes a sentiment and we sing this at the end of gatherings and weddings and especially at New Year..so rather that cause conflict that may be regretted my thoughts are to let things lie low for now...
if a statement is made you dont agree on...ask what is meant..we do often speak in code..
I ask what people mean when I dont understand..eg at a recent funeral a woman said to me that "The family" didn't know who was phoning the ward...as the family did know I needed to ask,,,seems a far off estranged member did not know my husband and me.this loosly true statement needed clarified.this woman was just wrongly informed...
This way there is no baggage taken away from statements..and just maybe the woman will think twice when speaking hearsay.
saying what I wanted wasnt said in a nasty way just in a clear way..

You need to go by your gut reaction Paige, particularily if you've known the friend for many years. However, there maybe something going on in her life that she may not be telling you. It's up to her to explain to you if she wants to.

Otherwise give her space and time as well as for yourself.

I actually have not gone on any girls' night out for a long time because I've moved far from my closest friends ...meaning several thousand kms. away. So I am content with just occasional but nice long chat with each good friend when we see other on the rare, precious visits.

Since my sister died over a month ago, I've had some puzzling responses from FORMER close friends. One woman who hasn't been a close friend for past 15 yrs., sent me a sympathy card and really wanted to talk to me. She did know my sister in ...high school, over 30 yrs. ago.

Frankly I'm not truly interested. Why did it take my sister's death to want her to reconnect with me? This person lives 4,000 kms. east of me. the only thing I can think of is that her hubby mysteriously died when he was young...only when he was in his mid-40's. I knew he was a full-time stay at home daddy for their twin sons, and had depression problems (he was a former, well-liked teacher, while she blazed ahead with her teaching career)... Much as I want to sympathize, I just have this feeling she's not going to reveal much about herself /her family situation...by phone after all these years.

In life's tough times, one really finds out who are the true friends vs. just unwanted curiosity.

Oh my goodness...Clicked over here to find so many thoughtful responses. Thank you all for such a large & warm welcome. I guess I'll start with finishing the rest of the story I posted:
Well, I still have no idea what is going on with my long-time friend. We have made these trips together for a few years now. But this one was totally different. She seemed first to just be going through the motions, then she was hurrying me, then snapping at me, treating me like a child (a not very bright child), telling me off and then a long silent, tension-filled car ride home. Jeeze. I tried to ask her about it but that only seemed to make it worse. I told my son all about it as objectively as I could and asked him what it seemed like to him. He is good at helping me take inventory. He found it all as peculiar as I did and said it sounded like she had been stuffing a number of her own things down; that it finally popped and spilled out all over our weekend. (Guess I was a 'safe place' to spill on...isn't that just the kind of compliment one can live without...) She did come by once and call once since we got back on October 24th, but each of those encounters was weird too. I'll give it time for her brain to settle. I'm not in any rush. Better to wait than try again too soon. Quite frankly, after the beating I took over that weekend, I have had enough of us two togther for a while. I am just glad not to be confused; I just hate it when I can't figure out if I messed up or it's the other person. I'm certainly fully capable of messing up, but my sense of it from the start was that something was going on with her. Each passing hour from that Friday afternoon when we left until Sunday evening when we got back brought another moment of feeling stunned. After all this time, I have never seen this side of her.
I agree with the views everyone posted back to me: On the one hand, a friendship of 24 years is worth working on. But also, I too learned along the way to move on from toxic relationships. I heard a quote that made me chuckle which is:

"I prefer my own bad company to the bad company of others."

Thank again everybody.
Cordially,
Paige