How Do I Respond/How?

My mother-in-law (Dot) has a 44 year old daughter (Robin) who is schitzophrenic and a drug user. Robin is extremely manipulative and has been living off the SSI system for years. When she's spent all her money on drugs she plops down at my MIL's house and more or less keeps the rest of the family away because of her behavior. She's been in and out of mental counseling/institutions but she gets out. Robin admitted herself into a hospital last week for some R&R and while there told a nurse she was going to buy a gun and shoot her sister and her mom (my MIL). My MIL keeps a gun in her house and has hidden it in a different place so Robin can't get to it. What is shocking to me is that no one is doing anything about this, including the hospital who told my MIL what Robin had said she wanted to do. She said she wanted to warn my MIL about where Robin is mentally on the issue of harming her and her other daughter. My husband is upset but says that as long as his mom (Dot) doesn't want to do anything to put Robin away again there's nothing we can do. I just cannot believe that while my MIL is in denial there's nothing the rest of the family (meaning her other 4 children) can't do to put Robin away. As an outsider (her daughter-in-law) I feel my hands are tied...I know what I'd do if this was my mother...there would be no question, but this family seems to be in denial about the danger of what Robin in threatening to do. Is anyone else living within a family full of denial?

I believe that since a crime has not occurred, about the only thing to do would be to get a restraining order and kick her out of the house. It sounds like MIL may not be willing to do that. The MIL and sister threatened would both need to file their own restraining orders. Does the other sister live with MIL?

Also, I would get the gun out of the house and far away. If Robin is intent on finding it, she will.

I'm not living in your type of situation,but this is something you read about all the time. I wish you the best and hope that your MIL sees the light.

Kathy

Don't schizophrenics say they hear voices telling them to do things (usually bad)?? I wouldn't panic but I wouldn't rest easy knowing she has made these statements and there's a gun around. Can you have some kind of family meeting and maybe in the meantime, gather some stories and statistics of people in her frame of mind, really hurting others?
I'll say some prayers of protection for your in-laws, Dee.

Kathy,
The other sister lives down the street from her mom. Robin lives in a nearby town but doesn't drive and my MIL is all the time running Robin here and there. My MIL is 74 and it's breaking my heart to see a woman this age bending to the will of her out-of-control daughter.

Dee it sounds like you are between a rock and a hard place....I agree that the gun should be removed first thing. Now unfortunately since you are just the DIL, and the other members of the family have their heads up their bums, I would suggest you stay away from her and the craziness. You can't make the horse drink the water, you can only lead him/them to it. Is your MIL religious, if so maybe you can have the clergy step in and talk to her? If not them its her problem, she raised a family and has to have some form of intelligence. My mother is 86 and would tell us to go fly a kite before being tromped on, so to speak, by anybody...Good luck to you all!

Is your MIL's daughter taking her medicine? I would take the threat seriously. Mental illness will make people do things that they don't really want to do. And if she is not taking her meds, which if she is taking drugs may not even make a difference anyway, she could have little control over what she does.

I agree with Chatty - you can't do much in your postion other than state what you think. Stay away and take care of yourself.

This is the kind of thing that drives me crazy. I would have a hard time putting this to rest.

I agree. Get the gun out of the house. Sneak it out if you have to. Then you can rest knowing the absolute worse won't happen. That should give you a lot of relief.

Do you know someone who is well informed about mental illness that might be able to educate the family a bit? It sounds to me like they are in denial, but perhaps they are ignorant about the mental illness. Do you think if they knew the seriousness they would still deny?

Thanks for everyone's responses and concerns. It's very comforting to know you're there...I think that's what I like most about this group...you're my invisible support group.
My girlfriend made a very good point and although it goes against what I feel I should do I have to protect my own family. First, they've been dealing with Robin for years and all understand her mental illness and hate her drug use...she's the one in denial about her drug use and she's so understanding of her mental illness that she knows how to use it to her advantage...Robin may be mentally ill but she's not stupid. Her mother, I believe, is the one in denial and believes every word Robin tells her about anything. There's no way I could get ahold of mom's gun. Even if I could, Robin knows enough drug dealers to get one of her own...that's the problem.
Anyway, my girlfriend told me that if Robin hears I'm trying to interfere Robin may have someone come after me and my husband. I'd never thought of that...I was trying to keep mom safe and when Nancy told me that last night I sort of stood there thinking...do I try to protect a woman who keeps fighting reason or do I protect me and my husband?
In the end Mom has to be the one to want protection and as of now she doesn't feel she's in any real danger, although the rest of us don't agree. In all honesty, I think my MIL's other kids are tired of dealing with Robin...it's always been something, and I think they're tired of trying to fix the problem and their mother coming behind them and unraveling it all to apease Robin.
I'm thinking about letting the police in my MIL's area know what Robin has threatened to do and leave it alone. That way if Robin or her drug friends do anything at least perhaps the police will remember I talked to them. Maybe they'll even go out and talk to my MIL about it.
You're right...you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink...and I did look up the statistics...they're low for Robin carring out her threat...but not zero...so, the risk is there.
Please pray for this family.
Thanks.
Dee

Dee, how many times do we read about someone who is mentally unbalanced, making threats and nobody did anything and someone ended up dead? Then, everyone questions why nothing was done. If she's talking about it, she's been thinking about it.

I think your idea about talking with the police in her area is a good one and also about protecting your own family.

I'm so sorry you are being put through this.

Thank you Diane for your kind words...I'll let ya'll know what the police say.

Dee, and I would add that you ask the police to please keep your call confidential. I wouldn't want her to find out that you called.

Dee,
This has to be so stressful for everyone. I believe I would tell the police as well. And her preacher, pastor, or church family. At least you would have done all you could do with the restraints and worry you have for your own safety. Good luck with it all. And by all means, make sure the police keep things in strictiest confidence!

JJ

Wow...thanks for all your support and advice. It helps so much hearing your responses. I put a call in to the Chief of Police and am waiting on his return call. I will request our conversation be confidential and do what I can to protect my husband and myself. My husband and I tried 2 years ago to get mom counseling to show her how she's enabling Robin to continue her destructive behavior but my MIL refuses to do anything...or to get counseling for herself. I've learned that there's only so much I can do and the rest has to be left in God's hands.
Thank you again, everyone, for your kind words of support. It means the world to me.

My MIL is in as much denial as her daughter...she refuses to do anything herself...perhaps this is where her daughter gets it.

I've learned...you can lead a horse to water...same thing with people who really need therapy. They either don't want to go, don't think it will help or don't think there is a problem. Those who refuse to go are usually the ones who need it the most.

Dee, there doesn't seem to be much more that you can do. It has somehow become your problem and I'm thinking it's because you're a very caring person. I guess there are things you just have to put in God's hands and pray for a good outcome.

You're right, Diane...I do care. I'm still an outsider (the DIL) and I've been told that if I try to pursue doing something about this that my MIL is going to be very angry, so...there you have it. I keep praying and have put it in God's hands.

Congrats Dee. I know that isn't easy. Now just be careful not to take it back!

Speaking as a partially rehabilated enabler, I can tell you that your MIL doesn't want to believe her child is as bad as she is because, after all, it's her child. I was like that with my son for years. Nothing as serious as this, but lending money that doesn't get paid back, believing lies, etc.

I am in counseling now and it is helping me and also helping the way my son reacts toward me. He hasn't asked for money in quite some time now and I truly believes he respects me more now.

I hope your MIL finally gets it and goes to counseling.

I agree with the others - take care of yourself and your family first because it doesn't sound like your MIL wants your help.

Good luck.

Dee, please see your private message from me. Thanks, JJ