fear

I wasnt sure were to post this - but since I feel like I've lost something inside - innocence - I guess I'll post it here.

So often in the past year or so -- this past week being especially bad -- I have a fear of leaving my house. It seems everywhere I look there's another story of how someone has had something horrible inflicted upon them by another human being and it makes me afraid to even open my front door.

I get an overwhelming fear to let my husband leave the house too. We wont even get in to the anxiety attack I get thinking about the kids having to fly home from their honeymoon (Washington state to New Orleans) and then driving 13 hrs home with my grandbeauty in the back seat.

Maybe I'm having trouble dealing with my thoughts about death ???

In my job - I try to locate people who own property about to be lost to our local tax auction and it gets to me sometimes that most of the people have passed away -- with no trail as to their life. They just died and nobody seems to know where or when -- and this piece of property, that was once important enough to this person to have spent hard earned money on, just passes on to the highest bidder --- with no thoughts about who the PERSON was that owned it before -- just a chuckle of how cheap they got it from the auction. When I do find relatives, I'm amazed at how many dont want to be bothered with it -- or didn't even know it existed.

How sad

I think about getting professional help -- but then I feel silly about being so "silly" -- so I force myself outside and fight the urge to hide under my bed --

am I alone in this ??? what do you do when the panic attack of life hits ???

Lionspaw,

I encourage you to get professional help. You really don't have to live in fear. It is not silly. Noting we feel is silly.

Let us know how you are doing.

Lynn

I'm not much for doctors but in this case maybe some kind of professional help would help. We are all afraid and with good reason. I go out less and less where before I was never at home. I even went and looked at model homes just to be out and about. These days I am never in my car without a gun and then its in my purse or my pants, the belt. Our world is a scary place these days full of weirdos and misfits wanting what we have or just to take their own frustrations and anger out on someone, anyone, they don't care. It is a horrible way to have to live but I can't find a better answer, can any of you??

I'm usually such an "UP" person -- but I just can't seem to shake this feeling of "doom" -- like something horrible is about to happen. It goes way past me being able to protect myself with my gun, german shephard or husband -- I just feel "death" all around me for some reason ;-(

Maybe going to the wedding and thinking so much about Robert -- and worrying about the kids driving with the baby in lousy weather -- and on our way home from the wedding a guy came across from the north bound lane of the interstate, flipped several times across our south bound lane and wound up in the trees upside down. Several of us pulled over to help and my husband ran down there -- but the man had been thrown from the car and there was little life left in him -- it just makes you realize how quickly it can all be over.

Add that to the school shootings, church shootings, husbands killing wives and unborn children -- all the places you should be safe -- school, church and in your own home -- and I guess I'm just having a paranoid anxiety attack

I'll be better when the kids are home from their honeymoon and everything settles down a little, but I still think I'll call around and find someone to talk to about it -- course -- just venting here and having some back and forth with you ladies helps tremendously

(((((((((( THANK YOU )))))))))))

lionspaaw,
I can so relate to your overwhelming fear. Ever since 9/11 (and losing both my Mom and Dad around the same time didn't help), it's been such a different world, and it seems that everyone around us has the potential to hurt us and that there's nowhere safe anymore. I know I'm affected deeply by all the same stories you speak about...all the hatred and violence going on around us. I think it's partly why I've been a virtual recluse for almost two years. It's a cruel world out there and I just don't want to be a part of it anymore.

I did get professional help and I'm glad I did. It hasn't completely eradicated the panic attacks and fear, but I seem to be doing a little better now in at least understanding that the fear is both understandable and crippling. But even my shrink can't make me take that first step out the front door...that can only come from summoning up my own courage and using my own two feet...I'm getting there, slowly but surely.

I don't have any answers, other than to say that I/we might have to somehow learn how to co-exist with this paradox of knowing deep inside of our being that something terrible is going to happen, because in today's world, it may well be true that something terrible is going to happen today...but somewhere deep inside of us we also know that we somehow have to keep living our lives to the fullest that we can, and not allow that fear to rob us of what precious life we do have, in which case something terrible truly has happened.

I'm still working on it. Still can't always get myself out the front door, and fear is still my biggest obstacle. But I know I have to do it, get out there and reclaim my life. Being here in this forum is another good step in that direction.

[ March 28, 2005, 11:19 AM: Message edited by: Eagle Heart ]

Lionspaw,
It sounds as if you might have some form of post traumatic stress. The worries of a wedding, the traveling, and recollections of Robert all occuring at the time of the trauma of witnessing such a terrible accident may be taking a toll on your spirit.

Added to that the evening news is enough to make us all feel unsafe.

We can all join in prayer for your spirit and that of Eagle Heart to be lifted.
smile

I'm so glad you opened up and posted this. I have been experiencing mini panic or anxiety attacks lately. I think I have a mild form of PTSD. My chest gets tight and my heart races and sometimes, I'm afraid I'm having a heart attack. I have four scans set for April to get myself checked out.

I have also become reclusive and don't want to leave the house but my daughter forces me out. However, with all the crime today, I am so careful in parking lots and will not go to the grocery store by myself at night. I know women who have been kidnapped and raped from parking lots.

I do know that if you don't seek help, it will only get worse. Sometimes meds will help you too. I think 9/11 affected all of us more than we realize. Just know you aren't alone.

Dianne,

I agree, I think 9/11 affectedus a lot more than what we all thought it had. I also have been through the reclusive, depression, anxiety panic attacks for the last 3 years. I'm on medication and also seeing a therapist. She is teaching me to claim my power, allow myself to be happy and quit sending negative thoughts to my body.

I will not go to the grocery store, wal-mart, or just about anywhere after dark unless Steve is with me. Call me paranoid, call me a chicken, I would rather be safe than sorry.

Sherri

We're talking about our fears as if they are unreasoning or phobic. It seems as if we feel they are abnornal.
But every day the evening news proves them to be perfectly reasonable. In fact, they may the only sensible response to a world full of danger.
Ordinary people with ordinary lives are being raped, robbed, maimed, and murdered for no apparent reason. And it seems to happen every day.
Some fears are normal. Fear protects us. Maybe we are cautious because we need to be. Maybe it's a part of our survival instinct.
I wonder how long our so-called civilization can survive this kind of stress, but I don't know how we can avoid it.
It's a scary world.
smile

[ March 28, 2005, 01:45 PM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

Lion, I agree with smile. You've had lots going on these past few weeks and I think it's taken it's toll on you. You WILL feel better when your family is home safe and sound.

Just witnessing that accident throws your mortality and the mortality of loved ones in your face. After losing Robert you know the pain of missing a loved one. The thought of losing another loved one can be terrifying.

However, the longer you cultivate negative thoughts, the harder it is to rid yourself of them. I agree that you should try to find someone to talk with. They can help you regain more rational, positive thoughts. It can be done. With help your mind won't stay like this forever.

After I experienced a car wreck, I was a wreck. I didn't want my kids getting in cars with others, but I had to let them go because I couldn't drive. The first time I was on the beltway with my husband driving, I didn't nothing but sigh and gasp. I thought everyoen was going to hit us. My doctor helped me put my thoughts in perspective. He also prescribed an antidepressant.

Please know I am praying for you. Also praying for a safe return of your family/my family! Lion's son married my niece!

Carolyn,
I have to jump in here right now and say I had no idea you were feeling this way because you are always the first to keep those emails coming at us all full of encouragement and love. I'm so sorry I didn't see this!

Like Dotsie I am praying that the trip, the wreck, and your sweet family being gone is part of the anxiety and that upon their return, you will begin to feel more internal comfort.

Remember we love you, JJ

It sounds like you're talking about fear of death -- the victims of 9/11, your parents, your family, yourself. It's definitely the ultimate of fears but if you can confront it, then everything else falls into perspective. I hope this doesn't sound glib.

I've said this elsewhere and maybe everyone in the forums disagrees with me about it (hard to tell because no one ever actually responds when I talk about it.) But seriously, if you believe in God, why would anyone fear death? Isn't that the message of the Resurrection?

I don't think we fear death. I think we dread dying.

I'm with Woody Allen(?) who said, "I don't mind dying. I just don't want to be there when it happens."

smile

I don't fear death, I just don't want to ever suffer from a long term illness.

I consider myself profoundly spiritual, with a profound belief in the message and hope of the Resurrection. And until I lost my Dad in 1999, I thought I was immune to that fear of death, because I always saw it as the gateway to somewhere much more glorious, indeed, *Home*. But then Dad's death hit me so much harder than I could ever have imagined it would, leaving a hole and an agony of absence that still aches, throwing me into the pit of despair because I had always believed that when someone you loved died, the soul-connection didn't. But despite being a very intuitive being, and profoundly spiritual, I've never felt even a morsel of tangible connection to him since he died, nor to my Mom who died in 2001.

I look for it, pray for it, watch for *the signs*, beg for it, but nothing comes. So I just have to blindly trust that they're okay, and that I'll be okay too when it comes my time. But that's partly what has made me very afraid. I'm afraid of what for me has now become a huge gaping black hole of absence. Even though I know it's the rhythm and circle of life, I still dread death. Not so much my own, but losing other loved ones because it hurts so much and I just don't want to go through that agony again too soon. And it will always be *too soon*.

I also dread dying alone, with nobody there to hold my hand at my bedside. I dread being an old lady, discarded, abused and neglected in some overcrowded nursing home. But I also dread dying too young, before I've even learned how to really live (and being almost 50, you'd think I'd be fairly close by now).

I'm trying really hard to drum up all of my lifelong belief and hope in the Resurrection, and drawing on a lifetime of profound spiritual experiences, but I'm still afraid.

And very sorry to be spilling out all this fear and despair here today. I haven't given up, and won't give up. There's enough prior experience of Grace and Mercy along my dusty trek so far to keep me struggling through this with some measure of hope, but I guess I just want to affirm that some fears, the ones that go right to the core of your being, aren't so easy to pray away.

I too dont fear death -- I just want it to be on God's terms -- not at the hand of some maniac !!

I'm sure this last bout of "YAAACK" was brought on by the events of the last few weeks. But, it made me realize that I really do need to talk to a professional about it all. I had gone to hope hospice's counseling after Rob died but the counselor more or less encouraged me to let it all slide under the belief that he was with the angels, it was meant to be, he was better off, etc etc -- instead of encouraging me to cry and face the fact that my child was gone ------ even the poem I wrote about condolences was written for a woman who had just buried her baby (I worked at the funeral home and sat at my desk and wrote it while "observing" the funeral)-- I wrote it for HER -- not for me.

Rob died 2 weeks before 9/11 (8/27) and I, being who I am, felt there were so many other people out there grieving that I really didn't have the right to feel so bad. It was easier for me to say -- well maybe that's why he died -- God called all his angels home cuz he knew there were 3000 plus souls heading his way and he needed help. Naive -- sure -- but it helped me at the time.

I can almost count on my fingers the times I've cried about Robert for ME in the last few years. My heart aches so much I know it will explode when my husband breaks into tears at the mention of his name -- or a song comes on the TV or radio -- but I haven't allowed myself to "go there" for myself. I could let him go because of the schizophrenia and his suffering so much -- but when my other son gets in a situation that could harm him (traveling on dangerous roads or cross country in a plane) I just don't know how to deal with those thoughts. I could not survive it if I lost him too. I can't pass that off because HE is healthy and he just got married and he has a baby -- he has a future -- where Robert didn't --- like you said Dotsie - the fear of losing another loved one. So I try to bury the feelings - pretend that everything is okay -- having a dissociative disorder all my life -- I've always just "switched it over" -- problem is -- I'm well on the "other side" of healing and I just can't switch it off anymore --

Now I have to learn to deal with my emotions --

throw in the fact that there is a whole bunch of crazy people running around out there -- the news -- death all around us that we HEAR about now due to technology we didn't have years ago -- (tsunami's and earthquakes and war etc etc etc)

geeeeeez -- it's a wonder we aren't ALL homebound hermits ;-)

you ladies are wonderful !!

Eagle Heart -

My husband and my son have tried and tried to find that spiritual connection with Robert (our oldest son) also. My daughter in law and I on the other hand have known from the beginning that he is okay and still with us.

You can't "find" it anywhere -- you have to be able to allow yourself to go to that "other plane" long enough to see the signs. One of these days -- when you least expect it -- you'll realize that you just experienced their presence around you. A peace will surround you -- if only for a moment -- and you'll realize it's because they just crossed your path. They've probably tried to make "contact" with you many times but you were looking somewhere else for something else. Be patient ;-)

But that has nothing to do with our own mortality or feelings about that. I too hope I'm not alone when I die -- yet I hope my husband dies before me because I know I can deal with losing him better than he'll deal with losing me.

I also believe that so many of us feel "guilty" about questioning "God's will" by being afraid of dying. We feel we're not being good christians if we admit we don't want to die. It can be a constant battle between wanting to trust God completely and feeling like we're being disloyal when we feel despair.

Eagle Heart -- we're just human -- give yourself a break ;-)

My God is a very understanding and forgiving God. He knows I'm a far cry from perfect and he knows what's in my heart --

know how I know He understands and loves us ?

He gave us DOTSIE and her forum full of loving and supportive women ;-)

(((((((((( HUGS )))))))))))

Thank you Lionspaaw,
Thanks for your wise words, and compassion. I think that I've been seeing lots of signs (e.g., Mom loved birds, and can it be mere coincidence that there's always a little one sitting right on my living room window sill looking in at me right when I most miss and need my Mom?), but the problem is that it's never enough...the bottom line is I want her back and nothing else will suffice. I'm 49 years old and yet my heart still cries out in agony "I want my Mommy".

Interestingly enough, I had a dream about both my Mom and Dad last night. Can't remember the whole thing, just that I spent a great deal of the dream searching for them, waiting for a phone call, and in the end, they did call and told me they were okay and not to worry about them. I think you're right, they're trying to break through, and I'm catching it, but instead of cherishing that and being comforted, I want more.

Sigh. I've experienced more than my fair share of God's understanding and mercy. You'd think that would be enough, but every little tidbit just makes me hungrier for more. Maybe you're right, Dotsie and her forum are my "more" right now. It seems a good and safe place for a wounded heart to find solace and healing.

This is a great place and I'm really looking forward to shaking off this heavy mantle of darkness that's been weighing me down for so long. I'm seeing my shrink later this week to try and sort out some of this fear and social phobia again. I really need to learn how to laugh and play again.

Thanks for the hugs and understanding! Lots of those hugs back to you!

Eagle, you are smart. You're getting help. I hope your therapist opens doors for you and you walk right through them.

You mention laughing and playing. How about going to a concert? I mention this because we recently went to see Beatle impersonators. The atmoshpere was electric. We danced, sang, yelled, screamed, and carried on. It felt so good to feel young again.

We get so carried away with being a wife, mom, daughter, employee, blah, blah, blah, always setting the good example, and we don't take enough time for fun. We need to start scheduling play time.

Lion, I also doubt God. I can't help it. I say I submit, but I still think I know what's best. What's my problem?

However, I don't think He minds my questions. At least He knows I'm paying attention.

I liken it to the times my kids doubt me. I don't like it. I sometimes get impatient. But it makes me aware they care enough to question, figure out my reasoning, work through it, compromise, and get to the other side of our dilemna.

What I like least about fear, doubt, and worry is that it robs us of our joy.

Have any of you ever done a gratitude journal? I promise it can be life changing. After months of doing it, you tend to focus on blessings instead of all the crap. You become much more optimistic. It's worth a try.

Thanks Dotsie...I'm looking forward to seeing my therapist again. He helped me through the better part of the two years after my last breakdown in Feb 2002 (he also wrote the forward for my book and has been a great supporter). The nice thing is that he's looking forward to seeing me too. I've gone to a few therapists in the past who didn't seem to care all that much, so this one's been a real gem.

You mention a concert. I've wracked my brain over the past few months trying to figure out what brings me joy. My hubby, music, my family, my church community. But finding fun activities has been a challenge, partly because of financial restrictions (we're both retired, and in order to be able to afford these month long trips south in the winter, we have to scrape and save all year), but also because nothing seems to bring me as much joy as just staying close to home and living life at my own pace. I know I've been in a dark place lately, but with spring coming, this incredible forum to come to now, a therapist who's waiting with open heart for me and the garden beginning to show signs of life, I'm much more optimistic these days.

I dare to think that it's not annoying to God to doubt Him. In fact, I think He enjoys finding all those divinely coincidental ways to show us how much He does love and care for us. If He knows our hearts, then He knows what jagged roads, grief and pain, frustration and confusion we've had to endure to get to where we are here and now. I often get the feeling that He rejoices over the simple fact that we *are*.

I've been practising the *gratitude attitude* ever since last Lent, when I stopped fasting from stuff like chocolate and Pepsi, and started feasting on gratitude. When I remember to be grateful, it does lift my spirit. Those little yellow stickies on my mirror reminding me how wonderful my life is have all shrivelled up over the winter. Time to put up some new ones, maybe pink ones this time.

Eagle Heart -

You say you want more - most children do -- and I don't care how old you are in years -- we're all children when it comes to wanting our mommy and daddy to make things all better. It's especially hard to deal with when it's our mommy and daddy that caused so much pain by leaving us. I hope that someday "the signs" will be enough for you. I believe that little bird is there just for YOU !

My husband may truly believe that Robert is still among us -- but that's not good enough for him either. He wants to hug him and laugh with him and play video games with him again. He beats himself up because he gets angry at Rob for leaving us -- and then feels guilty for feeling those feelings. I wish I had a magic pill for both of you -- but this is a personal thing that only you can get through. I'm so glad you have a therapist that truly cares about you. I've experienced those - ho hum - therapists and it makes you feel even worse.

Dotsie -

I'm not sure the correct word is "doubting" -- though it sure feels like it doesnt it ;-) When someone you respect expects you to act contrary to the way you feel like acting - you question it. Kids need to question - it's how they learn. We need to question - it's how we get wiser and stronger. If our kids didn't feel we were worthy enough to be like when they grow up -- they wouldnt care what we thought -- the same can be said for our questions to God. I agree with Eagle Heart - I think God sees our questioning/doubting as paying attention and caring what he thinks ;-)

Its hard on women - we're supposed to follow the rules that society has dictated and when we find ourselves being human - it comes across as weak. We're afraid to ask for help or talk to family members because we don't want to disappoint or worry the family members that depend on us to be SUPER WOMAN. So we fall apart inside and smile on the outside.

That's what is so special about the forum - we can fall apart -- be silly -- vent -- pull it together -- and survive ;-)

quote:

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Originally posted by lionspaaw:
That's what is so special about the forum - we can fall apart -- be silly -- vent -- pull it together -- and survive ;-)

---

Amen to that!! I can't remember the last time I had a safe place to go and vent all these fears and childish weakness (it's the first time I've dared to say out loud that *I want my Mommy*). It feels good not only to have vented, but to have been heard. And maybe that's the *more* I've needed. For the first time in a long time, I feel re-energized enough to start pulling myself back together *for the long haul*.

we're all children when it comes to wanting our mommy and daddy to make things all better. The irony is that, to my Mom's constant frustration and pain, I rarely needed, or called on my Mommy to make things all better while she was alive. Even as a young child I was too introverted, self-sufficient and self-protecting to be a cuddly, needy daughter. A lot of these feelings of utter lostness, needing and wanting were very new, unexpected and intense when they started surfacing shortly after her death. Part of the sadness comes from knowing that she would have loved - and must have long-yearned - to be here for me in that particular neediness.

Lionspaaw, your ability to listen and hear other people's pain when you're going through you own is such a gift. You remind me of Henri Nouwen, my favourite author for over 25 years. He often spoke about the unique giftedness of the "wounded healer", something clearly visible in you, and something I've always hoped and aspired to become someday through my own pain and detouring through the muck and mire of life.

Thank you. And although I've spoken way too much about my own pain and fears here in a thread that you started, my heart has heard yours and is holding you in care and solidarity...