I came here about 4 years ago, enmeshed in a very dysfuctional relationship that knocked the props out from under me. I rec'd some very straightforward advice, brutally honest at times, but it took me a long time to process what I had been thru.
I haven't dated now for over 4 years. During that time, divorced now 12 years, I had experienced one bad dating experience after another, each time pouring my all into it to make it work. After the last dating exp., instead of dusting myself off to meet another man, I went back to school to get my M.A. in Art. I worked 4 years on this, completing it last Spring. During that time, I also learned to be alone with myself. I actually now prefer it, and can't imagine accommodating the presence of a man in my space. At first, when I began to feel this way, I thought it must have been "sour grapes" at not having a loving relationship with a man. But, now, even having the opportunity to "date," I am reluctant to do so.
Does anyone else feel this way?
Patty

AMEN TO THAT SISTER!!
Once we women have the opportunity fo stop feeling sorry for ourselves and move ahead and see how exceptional out life alone can be, we breathe HUGE sighs of relief.

When our daily lives are all for us, we can come and go as WE please, wear what WE like, eat what WE want and do what WE like doing. It is so exhilirating, that WE soon relinquish all past memories and forge ahead happily making new ones... I get lomesone sometimes sure, but would I change my freedom for a man???
HELL NO!!!

I can really relate to your post. You really have taken care of yourself. I have been divorced for 16 years, had one long-term relationship and a few very short ones. The longer I am alone, the more I know what is important to me in a relationship.

I finished my college degree while going through my divorce, and I think this kept me from going off the deep end. I am so proud of the life I have made for myself (a lot of luck and good friends here, too), but it has taken quite a while to get to this point. I do cherish my alone time, and usually do not feel "lonely". I felt so lonely the last few years of my marriage, but didn't realize it until I was divorced. I spend a lot of time with men (and some great single women), hiking, cycling and kayaking. We have a lot of fun, but most of them are married, way too young, not interested in me or I in them. Two of the guys I hike and cycle with are divorced, on multiple dating websites with different profiles and lies about their age and other things (they don't know I know this), have no "clue" what real intimacy is (they are in their 50's and 60's). I have spend a lot of time on my emotional, physical and mental wellbeing, and if I meet a man doing what I love who is also at that point, I would be open to the possibilities. I would love to have a companion such as this to share life with. In the meantime, I never would have dreamed that my life could be so rich.

Gosh Ariadne I can sooo relate. I've been single for a couple of years and early on felt this frantic sort of....oh my I don't know how to be alone.....so I dated a little but found so many people I met had many of the same issues that my ex had. So I started just staying home, doing things that needed doing, and slowly began to realize that I liked being alone sometimes. I like the freedom of not being at someone's beck and call, not always worrying about meeting a need, not walking on eggshells around another person's mood swings....I felt free. I don't know that I want to be all alone for the rest of my life, but I do what there to be boundaries and space. I am also inspired by your decision to get busy doing something productive and positive, like returning to school. That's something I've been thinking about too.

It's fun to see a couple of the oldies, but goodies returning this week. Welcome back and thanks for joining us again.

I enjoy hearing about women who are feeling content as singles at midlife. I think a lot of it has to do with getting to know ourselves and being comfortable with who we are. By this stage of the game, we care less of what others think, and are more interested in making ourselves happy.

Ariadne, first welcome back; and second, congratulations on your graduate degree! There is nothing wrong with flying solo! How are you putting that degree to work?

I think having reluctance is God's way of saying "No, I have something better for you." Waiting for the "when" is difficult, yet He wants you to grow intrinsicly and spiritually. Even if He does not have a physical man designed to fulfill your heart, there are many activities and people that need you, whether or not you know it now.

You are so much more than you realize. We all are.

Haven't posted for quite a while (although am trying to catch up in posting a new article in my role as mental health advisor for NABBW). Like the new format!

So after being solo for over 23 years and making stabs at relationships through internet sites, I was going to give up. Just one more try (back in June). And wouldn't you know it, I met a wonderful man who was about to give up the ghost too. I truly have never had a positive relationship so this is all new ground...and I have to sort out what's important and what's not. We live 60 miles apart and because of our jobs and my family commitments (sharing property with a grown daughter and her spouse), we are unlikely for many years to live together.

But you know what? I think it's better this way. Lots of anticipation with times together filled with hours of quality time. Thoughtful (or fun!) emails and phone calls in between. Everyone has their space--I've got the ultimate feminine French country cottage and he's got the ultimate guy place. No one's trying to redecorate the other (physically or psychologically).

But true emotional intimacy is a challenge for those of us who have never experienced it. And my 40 years as a psychologist helping others with their relationships doesn't apply!

This is a turning point for me. I'm so glad I went through all the frogs (2 husbands and all the other internet dates) before I found my prince of a guy. I knew exactly what I truly needed and could recognize it when I found it.

And having a fulfilling solo life both before and since I've found him (adding monogamy, of course) is the key to our good relationship.

Amen to that, Chatty! Thanks for the response!
Love
Patty

Cyclinngal! Your life sounds so interesting...hiking, cycling, and kayaking! I wish I had the energy to do such things. I agree with you about the men who are on the dating websites, and you are very perceptive to avoid them. I have met such myself, and no longer even give them the time of day, LOL!
Love
Patty

Hi, Kathryn...It took me a lot longer to reach that point, of being content alone, but it now seems the best choice for me, and I'm NEVER lonely. Maybe that's because I spend my days with middle schoolers, and I so cherish my quiet time at home in the evenings. Also I have three cats and a pup I recently adopted from the local animal shelter. Having dated quite a bit in the past, I think of it now as requiring too much of my energy and precious time.
Love
patty