OK, I have come to a realization about myself. It is time that I take a week or so for myself, go away, and REALLY think some things out. I plan to make that happen in mid-August.

The last three men I’ve dated have been train wrecks. By that I mean they had issues, were needy, etc. I’ve always based my “like” of people on just who they are, I’m not judgemental. But I always end up being “the listener”, trying to help them sort out their problems, helping fix things where I can. It is emotionally draining.

I never seem to attract the stable, financially secure, relatively baggage-free men (and I have those qualities to offer as well). Instead I attract the ones who have no place to live (or live with relatives), have shaky or low-paying jobs, have bad credit, etc.

The one I’m seeing now will be easy to ease away from. We’ve already had a few conversation and will remain good friends. By his own admission, he will not ever be “without someone because that’s how he’s wired. He likes being part of a couple, being married.” He is a sweet guy but has major financial problems. He is horrible with money, and many of his problems are due to his inattention to detail. Behind on child support, having items repossessed, having utilities turned off - I can’t live always trying to “make things better” or help bail someone out of a situation.

Has anyone else gone through this? Finally decided to be so selective that the pool is effectively non-existent?

I love my freedom, and doubt that I ever want to marry again. But having a companion who has the ability to join me at times on my travels, or eat out and go to a play or a movie (y’all know what I’m getting at) would be a wonderful thing.

Thanks for listening.

Whirlwind

Whirlwind, you could be describing me, not so many years ago. Here is what I did. I wrote a long, long list of attributes that I absolutely MUST have in a man, before I could become even slightly interested. Then I listed deal breakers. I was as specific as possible.

I dated, had fun, and knew that I was looking for Mr Right, but I also knew that I would not be heart broken if he never came around. But, he did. And then another story began.

A year or so after I met Dennis, I found that list. He had almost all of the positive attributes and none of the negative ones.

I bet I know what whirlwind will be doing on her week away. I bet she'll be creating the list that Anno's talking about.

I have a couple friends whom I'd love to see in healthy relationships. They're in no relationship at the time due to high standards. Wouldn't it be intersting to hear men having this conversation about women. Heck, if we could find that, then we could get some matchmaking going.

LOL Dotsie, I've already done the list. That was a great idea. And VERY enlightening. Thanks for the suggestion Anno.

I am just amazed at the grown men who have gotten themselves into such circumstances in their adult life. I know "stuff" can happen to anybody (and I have certainly had my turn with that). But I dug out of it and got myself straightened out. It wasn't fun. In fact, it was downright painful. But I learned some very valuable lessons from the experience.

Now to gently ease myself out of this situation. Yesterday I cancelled my participation on a trip we were going to take. Sometime this weekend we'll have a talk.

The reason I said this would be "easy" (which it really won't, but it won't be a friendship-losing situation either), is that he has said he didn't want to get too attached to someone who is going to leave and he was worried about having "all his eggs in one basket (with me)". Well, when I retire I do not want to stay where I am now, and he's heard me say that for a LONG time (even way back before we got together). So I'm sure he's going to want to back away from me and find someone like-minded who will want the 100% 24/7 hometown thing .

Wish me luck....

Whirlwind

Nothing wrong with having a male friend, whirlwind like yours. Even as a travel companion, it's quite doable and it's always fun to share travels with a good friend.

But I would keep it non-sexual.

Look, gals..I feel REAL tired of saying this...some activities DO attract the type of guys you'll like. In the world of cycling, there is a whole group of single men, older single men who may fit the qualities you are after. Remember these guys like women who are independent, strong (in every way) not whimps...like fun and take their health seriously. Open to travel internationally, new unpredictable experiences (cycling makes a person become this way), etc.

And I'm not talking about the guys who always want to be faster than a female cyclists. There are men I would automatically knock off the list ...just from certain behviours on the bike.

Many of these guys who cycle consistently DON'T drink alcohol much...because you gain weight/can't cycle well at all.

I have become a firm believer in the fact that if you are without a man at a certain age, usually over fifty, the gene pool is either polluted or nonexistant. When a man hasn't found a good woman by this time, he has some serious flaws. If he is a widower then he will probably compare you in every way to the dead spouse and that is one position I never want to be put in. Hell, I do that myself unconsciously, comparing them to my two dead husbands. Its hard not to when the two that passed were two of the 'good guys.'

I have met two very nice men lately by going to the VFW with my girlfriend for Friday night fish fry. They are both charming, warm and have been there, done that. One man even said he was sexually limited and looking for a fun lady that loved to travel and go to fine rstaurants. He just wants a companion to end the lonileness. So there are a few, very few.

Its like just the right pair of shoes, you have to find them, try them on and walk around in them awhile, make them your own and hope they remain comfortable once you've gotten them home and worn them awhile...

It seems to me that anyone who finds themselves single after their 40s/50s has *some* baggage to deal with. And baggage really isn't a good word though. We have had past experiences that teach us something about ourselves.

The gene pool may not really be "polluted" so much as it's what we know we can put up with and what we can't put up with. We've had some experiences and we darn well learn from them Myself...I sometime wonder if men don't want to "dive back" into that pool faster than women. I've met men who are waaaay too eager to find a "replacement" the minute they're divorced or way too soon after they've been widowed.

AMEN to that Keyholes...

Two weeks ago this coming Sunday, BT moved his stuff out of my house. It wasn't pretty. I've found he doesn't handle this kind of thing well at all. By nightfall he'd called and invited me for a drink. I went, we talked, and all was well.

This past weekend, I spent Thursday night preparing for a weekend trip (he owns an adventure company and I contract there sometimes. This past weekend I was in charge of buying and preparing food for almost 20, besides teaching). Friday night through late Sunday night I was there, having a great time, but also providing free labor.

Monday night he needed some laundry he'd left at my place, so around 9 p.m. I met him for a drink and delivered the stuff.

He's going out of town tomorrow for almost a week. He wanted to go to dinner tonight and I told him I had stuff I needed to do (which was true). He got all huffy and pretty much hung up.

It will piss him off royally, but when I talk to him next and this comes up I'm going to let him know he's no different than the others I've known. No matter how much I give, it's never enough, they always want more and pout if they don't get it. I need a man with his own life, who doesn't need 24/7 attention.

Another one bites the dust....

Whirlwind

I'm wondering if that isn't a MAN gene, Whirlwind...and they all possess it. Just a thought.