I wrote to Eagle, who wrote back to me and told me that I should feel safe about sharing something about myself here, in this forum.

I hadn't scrolled down to this health section and didn't even know it was here! I have to say, that if I had known about Eagle's brother, I would not have bothered her with my problems. I am touched by the compassionate responses to her challenge.

Here I go -- I'm taking the chance.

My family has a history of depression/anxiety and bi-polar and guess who inhereted that nasty gene? So, I have been on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety drugs for years. As they have evolved, I've gotten much better.

But, I just lost my therapist, who is moving on to another field of mental health. Two friends and my next door neighbor are moving. I'm feeling scared, more than sad.

Another revelation from me: my faith is very shaky do to being raised in a very strict church. I get anxiety attacks when I try to go to church. So, I have had to get close to God in my prayers, through reading, through nature. This probably sounds so ridiculous to most of you, but I sincerely get panic attacks. It's awful. I'm working on this, was working on this, when I lost my therapist.

Well, I'm making it to work. Then, pretty much going to bed. I need to get Eagle's book and I need to find help in locating a new therapist.

I don't want to say more at this time, as focusing on my feelings isn't helpful right now. I have to let time pass, take my meds, and keep talking to myself.

I just needed to let this out.

Emily in Maryland, who will make herself a cup of soothing tea!

Many of us on this site suffer from disorders so you will find compassion and understanding and I think you're very brave for opening up.

Can your therapist give you the name of another counselor?

It is so very true that many of us have disorders. You are in good company here. Thank you for sharing a bit of yourself.

You are experiencing so much change in your life right now. Take it slowly, and try, as hard as you can, to focus on all that you have to offer yourself and others. Please don't let all of this drag you down. And, keep taking those meds.

Thanks Grannie Annie,

I had stopped taking my meds. I do this on occasion. Not a good idea.

So, I'm back on them as of four days ago. Usually, it takes a week for them to kick in.

I also called a new therapist, but she hasn't called back yet to say if she can take another patient.

I particularly want her, but there are many in her practice.

Thanks for taking your time to answer my post.

Emily in Maryland

Dianne,

I forgot to thank you, also, for the encouraging words.

Thank you,
Emily in Maryland

Emjay, I'm so glad that you posted here. It's so hard to open oneself up in a relatively unknown environment. But I hope you have found/will continue to find that this is a powerful circle of women here, full of wisdom, compassion and caring.

I remember when I was spiralling down into my last breakdown. It was shortly after my Mom had died. I was totally, utterly, indescribably broken. On the advice of my GP I had stopped taking Effexor (cold turkey) one day, and started taking Wellbutrin the next day. WELL, there just isn't any adequate way to describe the hell that that caused. It was like electric shocks jolting my body - I was beyond bizarre. I had had to find my own therapist because my GP didn't know anyone to refer me to. I found one on the Internet, phoned him, left a message and then didn't hear back from him for days. While I was on this Effexor-Wellbutrin trip, I called him back and sobbed into the phone (well, his answering machine) that I wasn't going to be able to make it through another day (it felt true enough at the time). Every moment that passed was pure torture. But finally he did call back, and talked me through what had happened, assured me that it was the withdrawal that was causing this level of bizarreness, talked with me for about an hour, then made an appointment for the next day. He turned out to be a real life-saver for me, and was one of the best therapists I've ever had (and I too have suffered from chronic depression all my life).

Don't let that phone call to this new therapist go unanswered. Call again if she doesn't respond by tomorrow noon. And if she can't take you in, tell her that you really need someone now and ask if she can help redirect you to someone "just like her".

In response to what you've said about your faith, I'm finding that I'm really enjoying just spending time in God's presence - no rules, no formulas, no rigidity, total freedom to be just me, in all my weakness, in all my incapacitation, in all my "me-ness". That's where the presence of God lies first and foremost - not in the religious structures or rigid rules, but in the heart-to-heart presence, one-on-one, you and God, alone, just as you are. He speaks so gently and compassionately - I NEVER hear a word of condemnation or impatience from Him - when I just allow myself to soak in that warm love, and allow myself to dare to believe that He truly loves me JUST THE WAY I AM HERE AND NOW, it's amazing how that begins to change me from the inside out, not all at once, but slowly, day by day, one mangled thought after another. I don't want to intrude on your anxiety about your faith, all I want to do is assure you that you matter to Him, and that you don't have to be anything more or less than who/what you are right now. That's enough for Him, it's YOU He wants, not all that religiosity. I rarely get to church anymore, and I'm closer to Him than I've ever been in my entire life. And I rarely ever say a formulated prayer anymore - I love to talk with Him just as if He was my best friend.

Anyway, keep coming here and keep wrapping yourself in the care of the other women here. Keep us posted on what's happening with that therapist.

And I don't mind at all that you wrote to me, you were not and could not be a bother. Those of us who have suffered our own "dark night of the soul" know that it takes a community of wounded healers to help us find our way out of that quicksand that depression throws us into. We are part of your ladder out, along with the meds, therapist, other people in your life and, if you want Him to be, the One who loves you more than you could ever imagine.

EMJAY

its been said before but its worth saying again i commend your bravery in opeining up with your honesty. Talking about stuff and being meet and treated with compasion so very important to us and becomes more important if we are feeling vulrible. The benifits of talking can be great and varied and i hope that is what you find heer.

eagle is a wee darling and she genuinlie lives to aid people with words or stuff she can do, you may off helped eagle by allowing her to help you..i don't think you will have burdend her.

the panic attaks don't seem strange or rediculise as you put it....its part of whats happening to you at the minuet. The loss of your theripist and nabours bound to have you feeling extra vulrible and scared in the world. I hope that us women heer can provide some suport and help for you at this time. Good luck finding a new theripist and in your continue healling.

all my love at this time, celtic

Emyjay, if you are looking for understanding women, whether or not they can relate…you are definitely in the right place here.

Once in my life I experienced a panic attack. I think that's what it was. It was just horrible, and I hope you can keep yours under control.

Maybe it will help you when I tell you how I got my attack…and if you feel one coming on…think about my situation…and think OMG it could be worse!

This happened about 2 years ago. Hubby and I wanted to go on a bicycle ride. Just as we rolled our bikes out of the garage, a large group of neighbors on their bikes passed by. They stopped, turned around and said we should join them on their tour. Now, I do sports…but for some reason bike riding, especially up hill, does a number on my heart. I immediately said no, I would just slow down the group.

They all insisted we join them anyway, and that they aren't fast bikers. So off we went… I held my own for the first hour or so…but then I was getting tired. I caught up to my Hubby and told him I'm turning around, I've had enough. As I turned around, the entire group turned around too, and said no one should bike home alone.

Of course I told them no, but they insisted. Then one guy said he knew of a fantastic shortcut. This shortcut included a hill as high as Mt. Everest. Already at the bottom I thought I was dead. I got off the bike and started pushing. I was half jogging…just because I didn't want to slow anyone in the group. Well the 'peer' pressure and all was just too much for me. I started to hyper-ventilate, and was close to fainting. They all gathered around me, and some bright jerk said, maybe she should hang her head down? -- Hang my head down!!

Suddenly two men grabbed my legs, and two my arms, and they schlepped me to a dead tree trunk. They got up on the trunk and hung my head down like a bat! Mind you…I was in sheer panic and terror; couldn't get my breath … and thought my time is over on this earth. With my last bit of strength I kicked, so that two of the big heroes fell backwards behind the trunk.

They let me go and threw me like a bag of potatoes on the ground;… It healed me! I got my breath back, enough so to cry and laugh at the same time; really…and all this in front of our neighbors. ( I wanted to move afterwards…but Hubby was stubborn.)

Please Emjay, I'm not making light of your situation… I'm just saying sometimes humour is the best medication we have…and it's in our bodies to carry around whenever we need it. But yes! Do take your medication. It helps you stay strong and maybe see the lighter side of things.

Emyjay,

You are not alone...we're all here for you...I think it's wonderful that you are able to find/feel God in your surroundings and that you find comfort there...God doesn't just live in Church...sometimes I think too many of us believe that and leave him there as we close the door...LOL...I'd much rather see you draw comfort and strength from prayer and nature than experience guilt and fear in a structured Church service...be kind to yourself...you are loved...you are cherished...take care...

Thank you all, so much. I need your support. I'm having a challenging day and really don't want to go back to work.

But, I don't have a substitute, so I'll have to go on and do my best.

The lady Dr. has yet to return my phone calls (2). I'm going to do what Eagle did and just keep trying, maybe with a little more "heart" in my voice.

My church experience was rougher than I want to write at this time. Has anyone else on this board belonged to a negative church? Was anyone else raised in a very negative, scary church?

Wish I could talk to someone who has successfully replaced a condemning God with a loving, friendly, compassionate God. I'm trying, ladies, I really am. Some days are better than others in this area of my life. I have talked with some very kind ministers, who have told me that they have heard my kind of story before and that I need to "talk back" to the old ideas and replace them with new. This is so hard to do when I'm down -- easier when I'm feeling good.

Eagle - thinking of you and how much you love your brother

Everyone - thank you for accepting me just as I am.

Love to all,
Emily in Maryland

Emily, do you mean the type of church where everything you do will send you straight to hell? Been there and left that. It's possibly to leave all of that behind you and see God as He really is...loving and kind and not waiting to smash us like an ant on the sidewalk. There is a certain amount of guilt that goes with breaking away because it's so deeply stuck in our minds.

Emily, welcome and so glad you posted here. I am bipolar II with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Panic Disorder. It's been nearly 4 years since I was diagnosed and through most of that I've been here on BWS. They've truly helped me get through my rough spots.

Panic attacks do feel like you're going to die. Meds can help and don't be afraid to take them. That's what they're there for. To help you manage the illness. One thing I will beg of you, please don't go off your medications without doctor approval. The results can be devastating.

I hope you find a new doctor soon. One that will help you and gain your trust and you'll be able to open up to and receive therapy. Be diligent. Keep calling. Ask for referrals.

I don't have much experience with being brought up in a negative church. My church was pretty great. I do have a closer relationship with God now, than I had while going to church. It's more private, intimate. And He doesn't care that I worry about the same thing over and over. He's there for me.

We're here for you. Remember that.

emjay
their is was an intresting thread going on in spiritual belifes, posted by gymster. its titled what about god? Why not read along that thread and if any of the ideas strick you as intresting then maybee pm the ladies in question and see if they can talk to you about their type kind of belifes or spiritual journey.

Their tradisonal church based belifes and also untradisional nature and non churched belifes. Why not at lest give it a read. it started when the poster wanted to know what our idea of god was about, if we visulised them as a figure or an energy etc. Then some other questions as the thread progressed. Their is a wide range of diffrent religions and experiences, is inclusive of a lot of the women heer and might give you some pointers or even reasuranes about your own belifes and manner of worship....Its worth a try and it should't hurt.

Since the post have alreadie been written then you get a good idea of people and type of views and attitudes they have so you can do the choising before you approch someone or someone approches you. since you are feeling vulrible and have alreadie been scared by religion....Just a wee idea and i hope it's helpfull to you.

Hope you are seattling in
celtic

I can't thank you ladies enough for your support, especially since I've only been posting on this site for a short time.

Dianne has it on the nose with how I was raised. I'm working on that area, trying to hard breaks me down, though.

Like today, I started crying at work and had to step into the closet till the kids left. I just turned everything over to my coworker and I don't know what she thinks of me.

I called my old therapist while in the closet and he called me back. He talked me out of it and out of the closet. I told him how difficult it is to find a new "him" and he has agreed to see me Saturday morning. NOt looking forward to getting up early - again - but it's good to know someone is going to see me.

He wants me to take a few days off, but I can't. We are so short staffed and my supervisor went on a retreat.

I'm just going to put movies on for the kids and take my little tv so that I can watch the basketball tournament that I love. I need to focus on as many things that I like to do that I can, right now. I need to surround myself with colors I like and eat foods I like.

I need to get into my coping with a depression episode routine. That includes all of my favorites, as I've said, plus letting go of my negative feelings in a productive way.

It scares me when I cry or feel angry. But the crying jag I had lets me know that I need to do something physical. And I need to hold it in when I have to and let it out when I can. Like right now. Need to go have a good cry.

Thank you, dear ones, for opening up to me, for your words of encouragement and great advice.

Love to all,
Emily in Maryland

Emily, your health and well being is very important to us here. Many of us know what you are going through and want to be a source of strength for you. Remember we are here...genuinely here for you. You are our sister. We Love you and want to do all we can to help you. Sending love and prayer your way.

chick

Emily,
It sounds like you are getting very in tune with your needs. That is an awesome thing. Making the connection between crying and needing to be physical...very intuitive. Keep listening to yourself.

We are here for you.

Make sure to stay on your meds because the absence of them and especially after being on them for a while, can make you feel like you're losing your mind.

I would tell you to not force anything but let it evolve naturally. You don't hear fruit straining as it grows and you don't hear grass struggling as it grows and it's the same with us. Slowly and naturally. Yes, it takes time but like me, you probably have a lot to overcome and I'm here to tell you that it can be done. It takes work and dedication but you sound like you're ready for that.

If you aren't comfortable discussing this in the forum, feel free to PM me. I know the struggle so well.

Thanks Jane, Chick and Dianne for offering so much wisdom and for not making me feel uncomfortable about really letting my feelings out.

Confession: Diane, I did go off of my meds for around three weeks, so this is week one of being back on them. I was feeling go good. Won't do that again. Not worth all of this I'm now going through.

I like that analogy of not hearing grass struggling to grow or fruit either. Little words of wisdom like that really help me when I'm in deep. I can absorb them; it's more difficult to try to read a book on the subject of the "d" word. I can't even stand to say that word now.

And thanks Jane for pointing out that at least I'm in tune with my feelings. Just wish I was happy and didn't have the negative feelings. Maybe I'm being unrealistic.

It's just that since I've overcome depression before, I can't stand even feeling somewhat down, angry or anxious. It's like if I had had a heartattack, a gas pain would scare me.

Chick, you're loving words touch me, as do everyone's.

I'm usually a better writer than I am right now, but I'm just letting whatever come out. Not worried about spelling, either.

I will feel better if I acknowledge how I feel and stop wasting so much energy fighting and being angry at myself.

I'll get there, but right now the feelings are just overwhelming.

Hope I'm not upsetting anyone.

Love,

Emily in Maryland

Emily, you're not upsetting anyone. We're just glad we can possibly help you.

Yes Celtic...borrow away!

Thank you Celtic and Dianne.

At least I made it to work this morning. Happy it's Friday.

I've been sleeping more than I usually do, but as long as I'm getting out of the house everyday and being productive, I guess my body needs the rest.

It occurred to me last night: during the month of March, I lost my best friend, my dad and my father-in-law. The deaths occurred about two years apart. The fact that this seemed to "pop" into my mind tells me that this month may be a trigger time for me. Funny how the subconcious works.

Then I hear about friends moving and my neighbor moving -- all losses and of course, my therapist.

I think all of these losses have just taken their toll.

Does this sound logical to anyone else?

Everyone who is helping me has no idea how much your support means to me.

I'll be here for anyone else dealing with depression. I try to help others, which gives me a positive feeling. That's one positive about depression or any other major illness -- if you can get beyond it, character traits such as compassion and understanding develop and grow -- just like Diane described -- slowly and quietly in ones heart.

Love,
Emily

There is my sister's, sister in law who I have known for years and years and also has inherited her mother's mental health problem. Her daughter now has it, too. Yes, these things are inherited and as a result the daughter has decided not to have her own children.

My experience with that family leads me to say, yes do find a new therapist and whatever you don't lapse in taking your meds or neglect finding one! You have a disease, just like diabetes which you must always take care of. And don't feel sorry for youself, just manage the illness!

Keeping busy is a good proactive thing to do also.Find a project and let us know about the results!(like cooking or painting or cleaning a closet or making a collage or scapebook for a relative)

Emily, it definitely sounds logical to me. Even if you weren't thinking about all the losses you experienced, your mind and body were processing them.

This is a time to be good to yourself. Do things you enjoy. Pamper yourself. Give yourself time to grieve over your losses.

If you ever need to talk about your depression, you can PM me. You can count on me as a part of your support team.

sometime we get so bizy or distracted in life we don't get to experince the impact at the time a loss happens then their is a build up and one more loss j8ust lets lose the whole bundle of feelings.....so you had recent losses and they maybee woke up the further away losses, hope that a clear way to put it.

I got a wee habit over heer of asking mates frends etc. how are they...they tell me then i aske them well anything nice going on in your life, trying to steep the chat in a positive way.....its something i aske my self too. Then i gotta think is their anything nice? when i look i find something even if it a messed up black day i can still find a little something....Not discreditting all that is going on in your life thats painfull i just like you to aske yourself what is nice in your life today? despite the not good stuff

celtic

Understand what everyone is saying. Thank you Vicki for the invitation to speak one on one.

Celtic, my way of handling loss is to immediately get so busy that I wear myself out, which is what I think I've done. Just keep pushing, pushing. I do look for even the tiniest things in my life to make me happy. I really do. Even a candle or a little bit of tea.

But right now, I can't even eat a full meal. I keep eating comfort foods like cookies and cake. Not helpful, I know. I know I have to do what you suggested and continue to look for the good. Focus on the good.

But, I might have to finally grieve the losses I ignored and face the losses I'm not experiencing. I hate this feeling.

Bachhandgrip, I see that you are new to this site. Thank you for taking the time to respond to my plea for help.
I did lapse on my meds, have been back on them this week, waiting for them to kick in.

I'm experiencing loneliness today. Wonder if this is part of the grieveing process. Will try to scrapbook. This was a favorite hobby of mine. I used to meet with others to crop, but my local store closed down. so, I was going to try to arrange a once a month crop in my neighborhood. But just don't have the energy to do so now. It's hard to get out of bed. Sounds self-indulgent, but that's how depression feels. It hurts physically as well as mentally. Never, ever thought I'd go into one of these pits again. So disappointed in myself.

Love all of you who are so supportive,

Emily in Maryland, who is trying, really trying

meant to say "the losses I'm now facing." (didn't bother to edit or spell check)

Emily

I lost four relatives in one year (two in the same week) and it does become overwhelming. The gals on this site helped me a lot when my aunt passed. At their suggestion, I took her picture from it's hiding place (couldn't look at it) and placed it by my computer. It helped me a lot.

You might need to take some time to work through your grief. It takes longer to go away if we don't. Not fun to deal with but it's like a scab that we keep picking at and it never heals where if we let it bleed and scab over and then, leave it alone it will heal. A scar perhaps but better than the continued pain.

I know you're struggling but I also know once your meds kick in you will feel better. Keep venting and talking. Get it all out. We're here to listen.

Okay Dianne,

I'm going to see my old therapist in a few minutes. It's taken me a long time to get myself ready. Much as I hate going to work right now, it's better than the weekends when I have nothing to do.

I'm feeling very low today. I'm just feeling worn out. Going to report all of this to the old therapist, who has moved on to another job.

Hopefully, he'll find me a new one quicker.

Wish those meds would kick in. Think I have to go into a one day at a time mode, right now. Tried to contact some of my old friends and couldn't.

I feel like I have a really bad cold that won't go away.

Sorry, hope I'm not bringing anyone down.

Love,
Emily

I was told the meds can take up to two weeks to really kick in. One morning you will notice a difference, slowly, you'll start to feel better. Just hang in there until then.

This week end thing...when I was divorced I hated them. They were lonely...the kids all had things to do and weren't home and I was depressed and didn't feel good enough to go out and didn't feel good enough to stay home! I couldn't wait for Monday morning to arrive so I could go back to work.

You don't need to apologize.

Emily,
I hope your appointment went well yesterday. I just read the part about the losses in March and that 'March' could be a trigger for you. Yes...Yes...Yes...I know this from personal experience...the anniversaries of certain events tend to evoke the same feelings that we had during the actual event.

I have read studies about that as well. Now, you've learned a vital piece of information...too late to work for this year...but next year...plan in advance for March. Have some things that nurture you all lined up. Remind yourself in January and February to stay on your meds...even if you feel like a million bucks then!

Even though this time is feeling dark...you are really making progress...progress that is changing the course of your life! Hang in there! It is getting soooooo much better!

i was just cheeking in to see/heer hpow the apponintment went , hope your feeling better today

celtic

Great advice about planning for difficult times, Jane Carroll.

Here is to hoping the meds are beginning to take effect. Besides seeing the therapist, any news on a new therapist?

No news on the new therapist, except that she doesn't take my insurance. She left two names, so I've called one of those.

Thank you all for checking in on me.

I've just slept this weekend. Not a good choice for me. But I can't get into my hobbies and I didn't want to clean.

I hope those meds kick in quickly. I don't feel like going to work tomorrow. But I'll be better off than if I stay home alone.

I work split shift, so I have four or five hours alone during the day. Usually I clean. Or come on here to see how everyone is doing.

I'm worn out from fighting this. But I know I have to go to work. Just feeling so exhausted.

If ever I come out of this, I'll never, ever stop taking my meds again.

I really need a new therapist who can see me in the middle of the day. Or a support group of some kind. Funny, when I'm feeling good, I never think I'll sink like this again.

I feel so silly, when I think of all of the ladies on this board who are facing so many challenges.

And I am feeling so very alone. Anyone know this feeling? Wonder if it's part of the depression challenge.

I know all of you are here. My husband is in the next room and no one I know is dying. Just moving away.

Anyone know of any good books about this subject? I've read some long, long ago. Think I threw them out.

Love to all,
Emily

Emily, just want to let you know that the last thing you should feel is guilt because of your depressions. You can't help that any more than someone can't help feeling physically sick.
Just try to think this doesn't have to be a permanent state…it will and can get better. God bless you.

Hannelore is right, I agree. What you are feeling is real and it is happening to you. You need caring and supportive people to listen and be there for you. There's nothing wrong with any of that. It helps in your healing. You'd do the same for any of us. I'm sure of it.

Don't make me come out there.

Luv n Hugs
chick

Emily, Yes, you will come out of this. And yes, there have been many times when I have felt horribly alone and lonely - especially when I have been surrounded by people. These feelings are normal.

Depression is nothing to feel guilty about. I completely understand when you say "Funny, when I'm feeling good, I never think I'll sink like this again." This means your meds are working for you.

Please know, really know, that you can come here anytime and speak your real thoughts. You will not be shamed or dismissed. You may meet none of us, some of us or all of us at some time, but regardless, you will be supported here.

My hunch is that by this time next week, you will begin feeling normal again and have the energy to live again. Bless you.

Emily, how are you feeling today?

Emily...
Hope today is a bit better...

Emily, I am wondering how you are today also.
Hope you are feeling better.

chick

Emyjay, I just experienced the same feeling and a horrible lasting illness. I even called my son over to make sure he had as copy of my will etc. Thats how awful I felt, so you are not alone and I for one understand how you feel. I will pray for you and know that my boomer sisters prayers played a huge part in my recovery. I am just now feeling totally well, so hang in there, it does get better and feeling well again is such an invigorating sensation its almost worth being ill. My feet have hardly touched the floor cause I am flying high.
My prayers are with you.

This is THE best place to come when you're feeling lonely and all alone. There's almost always someone here, and almost always a decent conversation going on. Join in some of the other threads, even if only to read what's going on in the lives of your other sisters here. You'll find that you're slowly but surely drawn into the lives and laughter and it will help to fill some of that void that's lingering deep inside of you. Those are what I call the "agony of absence" voids, where it seems nothing and nobody can fill the aching emptiness. In reality, the only person who CAN fill that void is YOU, YOU have to fill that aching emptiness with what YOU want to be there...start with us.

You want friends/sisters to listen and care - that's us here. Start here with us, let us fill that particular need, along with others in your life, like your therapist. Look around you - God has NOT LEFT YOU ALONE - there ARE people and care surrounding you, but when we're depressed, our eyes just can't always see very well. But we have to look with eyes that are at least open to the possibility, and let God surprise us with people we might never have guessed could be there for us.

Trust me, Emily, it's true. We can't always see if for ourselves, so trust those who have been there and seen that truth, that we are NEVER LEFT ALONE to suffer through these things on our own. We do have people and resources in our lives, we just have to dare to believe that they're actually there for us.

You're in my prayers, and I'm excited about the good things that are happening in your life now - coming here was a "good thing", more is on its way. Keep your eyes open.

All of you are so wonderful and compassionate. I'm listening to - not just reading - all of the heart-felt words written on these letters.

I'm a wee (to borrow Celtic's word) bit better today. Still dragging myself to work, home for a long nap, than back to work and back to bed.

But, at least I'm getting to work.

No news on a new therapist. Really searching for one, but on one seems to take my insurance. I know someone will pop up, probably just the right one for me.

Never before have the kids voices gotten to me like this. It seems I just can't stand their yelling in our Recreation Center. It's been nice and warm outside, which helps as we can get them outside for part of the afternoon. Maybe they have cabin fever from the winter.

I know what you mean, Eagle and (sorry memory not so good now) about friends being around me but I just can't see them. I called an old friend last night, but when she called back, I didn't pick up the phone. Didn't want to upset her. But then, she doesn't upset easily. Her husband and grown son have the same mental challenge as I do. So I'm going to call her tonight, and keep it light.
We grew up together.

I think it would be helpful for me to start reading again. Is there a forum bookclub? Would it be possible to form one? Does anyone know of any lighthearted books? I think I need to focus on something to rest my brain. Not housework, or "busy" work. Not that that isn't important.

I just need to fill some hours during the day and can't really do anything too physical, or I can't chase after 37 kids in the afternoon. I run out of steam.

Can't seem to get into my scrapping. Well, at least I'm a wee bit better and making it to work!

Chatty, thank you for your words of encouragement. Really. I was following the progression of your illness.

Eagle, what can I say to you. I know you have so much pressure on you right now. Hope your eating right and getting some good rest.

Love to all,
Emily

i think your doing great i could not chase after 37 kids at anytime lol

fancie a therapist not taking your monie...

sorrie i din't meen that disrespectfullie to you theripist out their i was just joking. Its a expensive bussiness over heer but one thast is very importat....In the uk we don't have the complicasion of insurances....sounds like it just adds to the difficultie. hope it resolves soon.

emjay you sound sweet and nice. Is their anything more you can tell us about yourself, if you done this in your introductions i am sorrie i missed it.
Whats your favourite hobbies?
What do you feel passionite about or what fires you up?
Whats your favourite song in the whole world?
If you had to plan the most amazine day and could have anything what would it be like.

think i feel a post comming on in girlefrends llol

celtic

ANNE

sorrie you are also getting it tough at this time. Hope your pain and anguish becomes more bearible for you soon.

take care
celtic

Anne...
We're here for you, too!

Anne, do you have family or frends to help you and support you in this trying time? Take all the help you can get. And express whatever you feel with us...we understand.

Anne,
I'm glad you have community support...and something to look forward to. Just know we're here if you need support!

greast to see your good humer ann keep it up.....oh write a book or a post on top ten tips of stalking succesfullie will ya. it be a lugh....especillie if you do a special post for it lol bad celtic lolll

i saw the post....what was the lyrics to the songs you wrote ??

Anne327, sorry I never heard of Corda. I googled it, and couldn't find it either. Are you sure that's the way it's spelled?
A song on stalking! Hah! What an idea. Can't wait to read the lyrics.

Just got the energy to check in. Was dealing with a little stomach flu this week. I was just making it to work.

Anne, so sorry for the loss of your Mom. You sound like you're doing great!

Well, ladies, wish I could say I was feeling even 80% better but would say feeling 40% is more like it. I do feel like doing some cleaning today. But I hate to clean, so I'm planning to watch the college playoff basketball games this afternoon. I do really forget myself when watching them and my husband and I are in his office pool, so that's fun for me.

I know I need to stay at work, but ladies, I think I'm burning out. It's really hard for me these days to keep up with the kids. Mostly we're very understaffed and I'm left by myself for most of my shifts. At my other site, I had staff members close to my age so we always exhanged hellos and talked.

I've been promised a staff person, but my supervisor can't find one. So, I see an adult in the morning, then go all day alone, then work most of my shift alone. This isn't fun. But I'm not a brain surgeon, meaning not qualified to do many jobs.

Hoping someone around my age comes along and takes the job.
It's really overwhelming with me and the kids alone. Then, cleaning on the weekends after four dogs.

I have to change my mind to a more positive mindset. I know this, but needed to "gripe" this morning. Hope all of you are sincere when you say venting is allowed on this site.

What I'm saying is that I need to have more fun. Even if it's fun by myself, right now.

Don't know if anyone read one of my posts, but I'm looking for humorous, uplifting books to read. Reading provided rest for my mind, during one of my depressions.

Still haven't got a doctor. I'll have to search harder this week. The NIH (National Institutes of Health Dr.) only sees patients once or twice. He sees you for several hours, listens, is doing all kinds of mathematical equations at the same time, and then gives his recommendations. Then, he usually works with a psychiatrist or therapist and contacts a primary care with prescriptions. I was doing the primary care and therapist combo when I lost Bruce (therapist). Dr. NIH is returning my calls and thinks we need to adjust meds some. I agree.

His theory is that meds need to be adjusted in the case of chronic depression (my diagnosis) depending on stressors in the persons life and also changes in body chemistry.

So, I am so thankful I have him on my side. So thankful.

Now I need to find that middle man. My old therapist is seeing me off and on, but only once every two weeks. Not enough right now.

It snowed here last night. Pretty, but cold in this room.
Will check in later.

You ladies have helped me more than you know. Just being able to write what I'm feeling sure helps.

(((((Anne)))))

Love to all,
Emily

Emily,
I sent you a PM. Enjoy watching the game...cleaning can wait! I hope you get a work buddy soon and a good therapist...Hang in there!

good to hear how it has been going for you...hope you feel less excousted soon.

Emily, glad to hear you are feeling better, even if only just a little bit. I am glad that the Dr is working with you on the meds. I too, have chronic depression, and recently my insurance decided to just up and change my prescription for one of my anti-depressants because of financial savings. I have been dizzy and easily frustrated and angered ever since. This is not okay to live this way.

Anne - love the way you have handled your life upsets. And, lvoe the song. I did see it posted somewhere else, but couldn't quite get the rythm. This time I did. Very fun.

Anne327...you got me snappin' my fingers. (snap ..hmm, snap…hmm)
You would be a great writer for Fasching time in Germany. These are the kinds of lyrics they bring on stage and get thousands, (I'm not kidding, thousands!) a swinging, and a singing, and a clapping along. Keep on writing, it's not only a great therapy, maybe you can make it public some day somewhere!

Anno and friends,

I'm getting scared. Still not feeling like I should with my meds. It's Sunday and I dread going to work tomorrow.

I am feeling guilty about complaining again. But I don't want to feel this way and my husband just doesn't understand why I can't snap out of it. I can't either, to tell you the truth. This is stupid.

I can't eat. I need to lose weight, so I guess this is a good thing. But I feel sick to my stomach. Just can't eat.

My team lost, but the games have been a good diversion. Anyone think of any books yet.

Anne, I agree with Anno - I love the way you handle life's upsets.

Love,
Emily

Hi Emily. I know that it's hard to be patient when you're not feeling the way you think you should. Being ill on top of starting a new regimen is probably why. Medications sometimes take a while to kick in, even if it's something you've taken before. Our body chemistry changes, sometimes from day to day, and what worked fast before may take a little longer. My experience with this comes from working in the psych field for many years, and from being in the same place where you are now.

Hang in there, and don't feel guilty about what you call complaining, because it isn't. It's how you feel, and depression/anxiety isn't something we just snap out of even if we think we should.

Emily, when you open your feelings and heart here, it is not to complain. It is to reach out to those who want to help and understand you. I am concerned for you and your well being and want to be here for you. I speak for myself but I know other here feel the same.

Consider this a place to come and vent all that is in you. I do. Some day you can be my rock.

I am not sure what books you are looking for but JJ has a great humor book and it sure lifted my spirits when I needed a good laugh and release. Reading about someone you can relate to (on here) made it all the more worthwhile.

Emily, we are your bestest friends, come here and know that we need you as much as you need us. We really do care and want to know how you are doing.

Emily, how about renting some funny movies? I've heard they are very healing. Maybe the stomach will settle down after a while and your body adjusts to them. Have you spoken to the doctor about your symptoms?

Well, I like Patsy Cline and she probably would have loved those lyrics. What a hoot!

I'm still the same way. Having my evaluation today, which does not make me happy as I do not get along at all with my boss. Well, I get along with her - she doesn't get along with me.

Still trying to get a Dr. Really feel like my meds need to be adjusted.

Still don't feel like housework or cooking.

If anyone else has been in a "stuck" situation like I'm in, how did you break out of it? I'm talking to myself, but myself doesn't seem to be listening!!

Hope Anne is doing okay. Bless her heart.

Beautiful weather today. Will take the kids outside. But would rather be inside stariing at a tv program. But, I'm sure some little one will do something to make me laugh. They always do!

Thanks to all who keep writing to me. I need your support. Really.

Emily in Maryland

Working in the yard always helped me. Reading did too but only fun books. I read a book called A Return to Love that helped me a lot. I hope you can get your meds adjusted.

Still here. Couldn't make it to work yesterday, but am going to go this afternoon. I figure if I fall apart, they can haul me away from there as soon as they can haul me away from here!

I am having a terrible time deciding on which therapist to turn to. It's really hard to start all over. I talked to two over the phone, just to feel them out. I do, as some of you know, have spiritual issues (strong ones) and have never been able to resolve them. One of the counselors is, as a minister told me, "faith based." I don't know about this, although I did question her over the phone about whether or not she's dealth with people with this kind of problem. She said she had, but I'm not sure. Just not sure. She's a licenced social worker, who is knowledgeable about meds. It could be very good for me.

The other lady, I haven't spoken with yet.

I'm feeling particularly scared about this decision, because I think I'm so vulnerable right now. Dont 'want to go backward on the faith issue, which I was beginning to go forward on.

Any thoughts? Should I keep searching?

Emily

Emily, you should find a councillor whom you feel very comfortable with. I believe you could reach out and confide in one better if you are completely comfortable. One that is knowledgable about your meds is very important also. Hopefully you will find someone like this. Keep looking, yet don't take too long, stay on your meds, continue coming here and posting. We want to know how you are doing all the time.

Emily, a good counselor, or therapist, should be able to help you through anything and be non-judgmental about where you are coming from when you share.

It may help to share my recent story regarding medication.

I have been taking an anti-depressant for years. I have tried to go off of them, but to really bad results. I believe you said you have chronic depression, which is what I have been diagnosed with.

Well, just 3 weeks ago, when I went to have my prescription renewed, my doctor told me my insurance no longer has the one I have taken for the past 5 years on their formulary. Seems, it has gotten expensive, and they won't cover it anymore. Anyway, the insurance company decided what drug I should take.

It took 3 weeks for the change to finally kick in. I was on the verge of tears, cranking at anything and everything and thought of murder more than once. And I hadn't even stopped taking them, so residuals were still in my body.

It takes time. The meds may be at the wrong dose, the wrong type, but no matter what, it takes time.

I agree with everyone above this post - find something funny, people that are fun and make you laugh, JJ's book, ANYTHING that makes you get those endorphines kicking in. Did you know that you can just start laughing and it is contageous, even for yourself? I tried a laughing meditation once - it helped.

Bless you my dear. You will find your way out of this dark tunnel.

ANNO the insurances companie decides what anti-d you take...Thats bad enough but to come off a substances that one has taken for 5 yrs all at once even to change to another is wild...the come down and related feelings must have been driving you nuts, seems that way the way you have described it.....whish you had said...i would have given you a list of names and a shotgun ....hehehe no i wouldnt but i might have told you some realiee naff jokes....
well hope new meds are ok for you and you are seattling into them ok...

Isn't it amazing how the insurance companies run the medical field here? I was amazed not only that they did this, but, like you, Celtic, at how there was no weaning off of one and on to the other. Bad medical practice, this is for sure.

it is bad and potencialiie harmfull....the power of the insurances comp. over the midical world a new concept to me , i didnt know they had THAT much power.

bad medical practices is about the kindest thing i would say about it...I have a few ruder unkind thing to say too

i once went down dose by 35mg a week it was horrendis...the chemist was shocked...did i have a clue at the time no, thought i was lossing it and it was down to a weekness in my carticter....then po tells me your only ment to go down 35mg per mounth and even at that some people need short hospital stay....I didn't know to aske for a tranquiliser or to slow down the lower of dosage. or even to aske for it to go down slower..i just done what i was told and it was absolute hell...i rember thinking "whats up with you" i was so close to constant bad tempeer and didn't know why....well i glade you out the other end of it now...

I went down more, I'm afraid. Just hanging on by my fingernails. I went to the therapist yesterday, who called the NIH doctor. He is supposed to call me with a change in meds, today. So I'm waiting by the phone, watching movies. I'm going to try to clean today.

A very good friend called today. She's separated from her husband, who suffers from bad depression. He'd up and working now and called today also. David told me how he felt at his worse, which is how I'm feeling now. This gives me some hope, as now he's up and working.

My friend is vacationing in Florida this week, but gave me her cell phone number, just in case. Between the two of them, this helps knowing someone who knows how you feel.

I still feel so guilty posting these letters, when I want to be upbeat and cheery.

All of your letters mean so much to me. You don't know.

LOve,
Emily in Maryland

Emily, post away, dear friend; we are here for you.

But ....
I am getting more concerned about you. Doesn't your insurance cover an emergency for MH? This needs to be dealt with sooner, rather than later. Hope is great, but you need help. No one should have to live this way.

If you need to post 100 times a day, to get it out, to reach out, please do. Please, we are here for you as we know you will be here for us once you are better.

Please try to find a way to get good help, soon.

the cheerie post will come just stick with how you are at the minuet, you aint bothering anyone so please, please dont feel guilt over it...

i also think your meds should be giving you some relife, i just echoing what anno says but is their any emergincy you can gett to see....

not that your writting is a bother just for yout own comphort in life.

god bless

Hang in there. Once they get your meds adjusted you'll even out. I know how difficult it is to wait and feel so down. Is the weather good enough for you to go outside? The sun always lifts my moods.

Please don't apologize for writing here. We want to be here for you and will!

The weather is great here and I will be taking the children out for the whole afternoon.

Today, I'm feeling a bit better again. Maybe this is going to be a two steps forward one back kind of thing.

The NIH doctor forgot to call me last night, so tonight I will call him.

I'm taking a few days off from trying to find a new therapist. My old one says he'll keep seeing me for now.
It's the same situation all of you have been discussing -- insurance. My insurance must be lousy, because I've only found one other therapist who takes it. The therapists I'd like to work with and feel comfortable with don't take my insurance. The therapist who does take my insurance is the one I'm not really comfortable with.

Anyway, I'm going to enjoy this nice day I'm having.

It feels so much better to post happy thoughts.

LOve to all of you.

Emily in Maryland

Emily,
Sunshine does help! I know you'll find the perfect therapist who accepts your insurance...keep your chin up!

Emyjay

CLICK ME!

EMYJAY
(had to do over, because I accidently deleted some frames - above click me button doesn't work anymore)

emyjay, just jumping in to say I'm proud of you for taking the kids out all day. That's awesome. I'm also happy to know that having your friends to call on gives you hope. I'm trusting this warmer weather is helping.

Picture us pushing you out the door to be in the sunshine. It's so good for us. Soak up those rays. We're pulling for you.

Emily,

Hope you had a better day...we're still with you!

Hi Emily,

I have not been on the forum for a while but read through the entire thread. It could have been written by me. Meds are finally adjusted, and I tan on a regular basis. Why? I would rather face skin cancer than depression!! Hope you are doing well, these ladies are great!

Sherri

Sherri, I just tried emailing you and it was returned. Just wanted to say welcome back. IT's great to hear you are doing well.

How are you doing today, Emily?

Gimster, what a thoughtful slideshow.

Emily, I'm also thinking of you and wishing a speedy recovery.

Hello ladies,

Hello Sherri and Mitzizki (sp). I don't believe we've met before.

Thanks again to all who are supporting me. This weekend was down but today is better. I just talked with the NIH doctor. He's going to start tweaking my meds, one at a time. I'm supposed to talk with him again tonight and possibly see him this coming Saturday. It's not a nice ride to his office - I get lost so John has to take me - so John isn't too pleased about this. But I asked him would he rather be like I am or like I've been?

Anyway, will get to the board with any big changes. I made it to work this morning and am leaving right now for the afternoon shift. At least I haven't missed any work! I just keep telling myself, "you'll be okay, you'll be fine."

My friend is back from Florida, so I'll also talk with her tonight.

Opps, times marching on. Gotta Go. Love toall.

Emily

good to hear from you emjay

Friends,

I'm going to the NIH doctor today. He decided that just tweaking the meds is not enough. I'm spending too much time in bed.

I made it through the last week of work and feel so happy about that.

I am feeling overwhelmed, however, about my problems and need some how to learn how to take on one challenge at a time.

Thank you to all who continue to offer me hope. I need all of the support I can get at this time. I am very hopeful that the NIH Dr. will have some promising news. I hope!

Love to all,
Emily

Emily, it is so hard for any of us to break up our problems and challenge them one at a time.

Maybe the DR. can get your meds right for you. I hope hubby takes you without incident. I am very glad that you continue to post here with us because we want to hear how you are progressing.

If you ever need to just talk to me humanly, I'll be glad to chat with you. You are a dear and we all love you and care for you. Thank you for keeping us posted and please continue to do so.

Luv n hugs

Thank you Chick. I'm really nervous about seeing this DR. today. I've met him once before and he was great, so why am I nervous? Think it's because I just don't want to talk about problems today.

I just want to feel better right now, be myself, be of help to others, laugh with others.

Instead, I feel like crying. I actually have a lump in my throat. Anyone out there ever feel like crying?

Love,
Emily

Hi Emily...I have been watching this post with particular interest, sounds like you have been through the mill and then some. All the advice and support shown so far is why this place is so special.

I know in my case whan I first came around, I was in the depths, but couldn't find the courage you have found... for many months I just read and that in itself was a great help. When I felt brave enough to open up the support and kindness from all the other women, was and is consistantly phenomenal.
There is sun after rain, laughter after pain etc, you are doing the best you can right now at this time in your life and that is comendable. I am sure all of us in here at some stage in our lives have faced similar toils. I did for years in a cyclical manner...but it does change and get better.
Yes, I often feel like crying..and often I cry...I am passionate about crying and as I would say to anyone re tears...they are just the surplus fuel of emotion...so crying in my book is a great expression of healing whether or not we realize it at the time.
I want to know that you are in my thoughts too and I hope that things get lighter and brighter for you soon. I hope you gain some releif at the Dr's
I am with the rest of the lasses when they offer support.

Take care

Popea

Emily, you are headed in the right direction. Keep us posted, reach out as often as you want and know that we are keeping you in our big, old loving hearts.

it may be difficult for you to do any emotion bound to get in the way of this dr visit but if you can manage it do it regardless of how you feel...i do hope it goes well for you and it is tough waiting to be better specillie when your feeling like its hell but it will come...

if i had a majic wand then i use it for you to feel better today...but untill that happens..

Yes,I feel like crying at times. Sometimes I just go ahead and do it. It hasn't happened often over the years but I don't stop it. A lump in the throat, yes, that too when I reminisce about my Mom or my children or grandchildren. Can you put a finger on what is making you feel like crying? What are you thinking about at that time?
Emily, I am anxious to hear how your visit went. Hope you are enjoying your Easter Sunday.

Emily, one day at a time. Cry if you feel like it because it helps. What did the doctor mean by more than tweaking your meds? Therapy? If so, it really helped me through a very hard time and I believe not only changed my life but saved it. We're all here for you.

Emily...thinking about you...

Emily, praying for the clouds to move.

Well, I am convinced that I was being led to a comforting place when I found this site. All of you are being so supportive. And we've never even met in person. Really, I'm so touched by the compassionate replys I get when I post.

I went to the NIH DR. with John. We spend two and a half hours going over my whole history, from childhood on. It was grueling and we had to stop once in awhile because I felt so drained.

Dr. Spear, as I've mentioned before is a research scientist at the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH). He's a psychiatrist, endrochronologist, and brain specialist.

He is a wonderful, soft spoken, dedicated doctor. He doesn't just have a medical degree . . . he is truly a healer.

He wants me to see a cognitive therapist in conjunction with my meds. This means leaving my old therapist which is very sad to me. I have to say, Bruce is more like a good friend, than a therapist. Dr. Spear knows this will be hard for me, but says that the combination of meds and a good cognitive therapist is the best way to treat chronic depression.

So, he's searching and I'm waiting to see who he finds. And hopefully, it will be someone who takes my insurance.

He changed my meds by just increasing dosages (tweaking) of some and added a new one.

He also assured me that there are many meds available to someone like me, many I've never tried. So, I should not give up hope.

Ladies, I think it's because I was talking about all of the tradgedies in my life, but Sunday was terrible. I couldn't hold the lump in my throat any longer. I didn't want to go to our annual family gathering, but my husband basically made me. I knew I was going to start crying and didn't want my grandsons to see me that way. Sure enough, I stepped into my mom's house, took one look at my daughter-in-law and had to go upstairs immediately. I cried so hard.
My daughter-in-law stayed with me and my family was great. Everyone was so understanding.

I won't let myself cry, usually, but this just spilled out of me.

I don't want to talk about it now, but I have had a number of real life tradgedies in my life. Dr. Spears, after hearing about my life, told me that it's amazing that I've accomplished so much in my life and that I'm able to still give to others. His comment made me feel better about myself. Maybe I'm just doing the best I can.

I am a perfectionist and just find it difficult to "give myself a break." I always have believed that everyone has challenges and that if you make up your mind, you can overcome anything.

That's why Dr. Spears wants me to try cognitive therapy. He says I really need to learn how to accept myself and love myself and stop trying to be a perfectionist.

I understand what he's saying, but have no idea how one changes oneself. In other words, I'm much harder on myself than I would ever, ever be on anyone else.

How do you change what you've been telling yourself for years? Does anyone understand what I mean? Has anyone here ever learned how to change their thinking?

This is going to be interesting.

Love to everyone,
Emily

My therapy was cognitive. It was amazing.

Emily, it is a step by step process. After each session you will suddenly have a light go off in your brain and say to yourself, oh...so that's why I do such and such. Truly an amazing journey that gives lasting healing and great insight. You will begin to dismiss the old thinking and replace it with a healing thought process. It's like a mental miracle. It's also like finding a new woman who has been hiding deep inside and is finally allowed to come out into the sunlight. Actually, I'm very excited for you!

Dianne, your post is so encouraging. THanks for sharing with Emy.

Emy, what a wonderful doctor you have. I can't imagine any doctor listening for over two hours. That, alone is a miracle. I think he's on the right track. I'll pray that he finds the perfect cognitive therapist for you. Also, I am touched that your hubby went with you. You are blessed to have someone who cares so much. Carry on dear friend. WE're pulling for you.

Also, I know you live nearby. This weather has been the pits. I have a feeling that when the sun comes out and the temperature increases, some of YOUR clouds will also move.

Hi Emily, we haven't met before and I just now stumbled across your posts. You may not realize it, but you've made remarkable progress since you started posting. I can read it in your words.

I'm also diagnosed with Chronic Depression. Along with Bipolar II and Social Anxiety Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

I think you've found a great doctor. I hope your insurance continues to keep him on your plan. He sounds like he really knows what he's doing and will help you find a therapist who will truly help you.

Yes, your doctor is right. There are many medications used to treat depression. So many. And, it does take time and trial and error to discover which ones work for you. There's no magic pill. There's no easy treatment. Every person is different. What works for me, may not work for you. It took me and my doctor a year or so to finally figure out a combination that started working and sometimes he still tweaks my meds. Just recently we went through a small change. It didn't work, so I'm back taking what I was taking before, but that's what I like about my doctor. He's willing to help me find any way possible for me to function in the real world.

The weather can play a part in your depression. We all feel so much better when the day is beautiful and the sun is shining. Our moods lift naturally. Spring is here. The flowers will be blooming and the trees turning green.

When I was going through my bouts of depression, I would read or watch movies to distract me from my thoughts. I found a lot of new authors that way. What kind of books do you like to read? Do you like romances or mysteries? Suspense or horror? Are you open to trying new authors and new books? I noticed you were asking about humor books to help you. A few people mentioned JJ's book. It's called 'A funny thing happened on the way to the throne' and the author is Georgia Richardson. You can find her website at http://www.queenjawjaw.com/

If you go to Amazon.com and search for "women, humor" you'll come up with a list like this:
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_b/102-...o.y=0&Go=Go

Lots of books to choose from on this list.

You asked if you can change. Yes you can. Because, Depression is not who you are. It's a symptom. A disease. A disorder. It's not the "real" you. With medication and therapy, you can overcome the depression and break out into the person you truly are and want to be. It will happen. It happened for me. I know it will happen for you too.

If you ever want to e-mail me privately, please feel free to do so. I'd be glad to chat with you.

Hugs,

You asked if you can change. Yes you can. Because, Depression is not who you are. It's a symptom. A disease. A disorder. It's not the "real" you. With medication and therapy, you can overcome the depression and break out into the person you truly are and want to be. It will happen. It happened for me. I know it will happen for you too.
VICKIES QUOTE

this i understand and agree with as with di a whole new woman under all the oppresive thinking.

best of luck with the cognitive theripie and it is kinda exiting knowing whats in store for you...its all out their in your pathway waiting for you....hope it all goes smoth and quicklie for you, transition to new doc wise

I, too, am excited for you. You have a wonderful present to open up - that present is giving yourself back to the world.

It may not be the easiest trip you have ever taken, but it may be the best. The very best to you.

Emjay....it can only go up from here on in, (baby steps if needed ) I am delighted for you re the cognitive therapy...it can be a wonderful time for you as you get an opportunity to 'tweak' some of the older played out patterns of thinking which may not be the healthiest for you..and a journey like that if construed as a gift(even when challenging)is amazing.

Still in my thoughts

Popea

My personality disorder controlled my life for 35+ years. Every trouble, every tear, every terrible situation I found myself in - I can contribute to the disorder.

BUT, I never stopped looking for an answer to WHY --

and now I know that the JOURNEY made me what I am today -- not the disorder -- and though it took a loooong time -- it was worth the trip

We're here for you

Carolyn

Anyone heard from Emjay? How are you doing girlfriend?

No, I haven't. I'll send her a private message.

I sent one on the 15th. Yoo hoo Emjay, where are you.

Still no answer here. Praying for you girlfriend.

Drop by when you can Emjay! We're all holding you close!

Hi,

So sorry I haven't posted. I was just beginning to see the light of day,when my very mean boss chewed me out. Well, my coping mechanisms are weak right now. I feel like a fragile egg.

Needless to say, the week was very difficult as I was trying along with my therapist to decide if I should just quit. I decided against this decision, because if I wasn't going to work, I'd just probably stay in bed. Better to have my brain on something or someone other than myself.

I'll write back again later. Thanks to all of you wonderful ladies for caring for little ole me.

Love,
Emil6

Welcome back, I only hope your spirits will be lifted soon and all will be well. A busy mind is less likely to get into trouble.

Keep taking the best care of yourself that you can. How are the meds working?

good to heer from you emjay? sorrie it was a sh**t of a week for you. Hope your boss dosent make a habit of chewing you out, mean bugger.

Hows it going with the new therapist?

Good to hear from you Em....still in my thoughts and prayers

Popea

Emjay, it's good to hear from you.
You want the queen to put a pox on your boss? She can you know.
In all seriousness, I am glad that you dropped by. Please stay in touch when you can.

Thank you all for corresponding with me.

I was doing better, then the bottom dropped out again. I'm working closely with Dr. Spears as he tries to change amounts of meds or maybe will change them all.

As I said before, I feel guilty when I vent to new friends and old.

But, I have some issues I believe all of you or some of you can help me with.

I'm on my way to my old therapist now. He's seeing me(and some other pervious patients) for awhile until we can find therapists.

I went to a therapist a minister recommended. She wasn't bad, but I have strong religious phobias and left feeling pannicky. Like I said she was good, but wants to try some
EMDR therapy (has to do with eye movement) and Dr. Spears says this is not what I need. He also says I don't need to be facing or opening up really threatening or trigger issues now.

Good news is he thinks he found a cognitive therapist right here in Silver Spring! Only thing we need to find our is if she is taking new patients. He's a well-known research DR. in this area and so i hope she'll take me.

I'm also losing all of my friends because of moves to other states. This is causing me so much mental pain. I would like to talk to you all about this issue, if it's okay with everyone.

Need to run.

I still very much need all of the hope from this site that I can get. Feeling very lonely and getting tired of being depressed.

Want to be happy and helping others.

Love,
Emily

Hi Emily. It sounds as if you are in a very difficult place right now. I am keeping you in my heart and prayers that you will find the right therapist. It's hard when you feel so down, but it's not permanent. You will feel better, just picture yourself as you want to be and hold that in your heart. We are all here for you.

(((((HUGS)))))

We move a lot and I've lost friends too. I have tried to make new ones and Anno on this site has become a very valuable one to me.

If I had to go to a very religious therapist, I'd get nervous too. I never found one that was really good anyway until I found Dr. Bob. The man saved my life.

Emy, I have been thinking of you and wondering how you were doing. Thanks for the update.

I find it sad that our society moves so much these days. We have noticed this at our church and ino ur neighborhood. I've had several dear friends move for better jobs, and one moved for a simpler life. I admire that latter.

Emy, do you have any neighbors you can befriend? Maybe you and your hubby could invite them for a cook-out to get to know them better? Maybe it could open doors for a walking partner. Do you belong to any clubs, a church? How about women at work. IS ther one in particular that you would like to get to know better? Perhaps you could see if she wants to have lunch on a weekend or something. Ar eyou able to muster up enough courage to do soemthing like that? I'll pray so.

I think there are many women out there who are also looking to enrich friendships, but won't step out of their comfort zones to extend the invitation.

Where's Dr.Bob? Which state do you live in, Dianne?

Thanks Dotsie, for all your loving advice.

Well, I went to my old therapist this past Saturday. He seems to have "kicked into gear" probaby because he learned that I was searching for a cognitive therapist.

Well, good news, I hope! Dr. Spears, the one who follows my med therapy just might have found a cognitive therapist right here in Silver Spring!!! He's not at all sure about the religious therapist I went to because she wants to use
EMDR therapy on me, which is controversial and involves moving the eyes certain direction???

Cognitive will help me restructure my thoughts which trigger my feelings. This sounds much more resonable to me.

So, I've been getting along pretty good because I have this new hope.

I just believe that if I search long enough, that God, or the universe, or my higher power will lead me to the right place, towards the good . . .

I'm kind of going up and down right now, but Dr. Spears says he expected this as he "tweaks" my meds.

Thank all of you for holding on to me. This has been one of the worse depressions I've ever had. I'm kind of used to them coming and going and can usually get out of them with meds, talk therapy, and physical movement, also my scrapbooking.

I'm very interested in the Book Club that I think is forming on this site. Books help me take my mind off of me.

If I can just level off and get to maybe a six on a one to ten scale of depression with 10 being "happy" I'll be able to make a move to join some classe where I can meet some people.

No doubt in my mind that God led me to this site, as the encouragement from all of you has help me up on my worse days.

I'm so grateful for all of your emails.

Love,
Emily

Emily, Dr. Bob was in Phoenix. He has since retired and bought a vineyard in CA. The man was amazing.

On a 1-10 scale, where would you say you are right now?

Hang in there. This will all be resolved and you'll be in top form. We're here for you.

On a one to ten scale with ten being happy, I'd say that I'm five right now, which is much, much better than a week ago.

As long as I'm five or above, I feel well enough to take action, which is the only way that I'm going to find new interests and meet new friends.

Dotsie - When we bought this house - it was my husband's great-grandfathers house, everyone in my neighborhood, except for three ladies about my age, were retired. When they were alive, it was pretty nice because I had babysitters and cookie makers and garden experts all around me! Then, they all started to die. This was not good as I was losing someone once a year or less.

I wanted to move so badly. I wanted to live in a neighborhood where we could meet couples our own age - I wanted to be able to make "lifelong" friendships.

But money was tight at the time and our house payments were low. So, we stayed and now all of our neighbors are twenty or so years younger than we are. So, I feel "left out." I mean people are kind, but they are at a different stage in their lives. So, that's why I'm so upset about the two neighbors, who are about my age, moving.

I've been used to walking around talking with people working in their gardens, etc. Now, I hardly really "know" anyone.

Also, I used to drive my neighbors around so they could do their errands and I felt good because they were so happy to get out of their homes.

Oh, well. Enough whining.

Church isn't really a good idea right now because I'm having a bit of a "spiritual" crisis. (I was brought up in a very negative fundamentalist church.) Long story. But I'm moving in the direction of grace, goodness, love, and peace. It's hard to erase those old tapes. But I am - very slowly.

Thanks again, to all of you who are staying in contact with me. I hope to feel so good, one day, that I can be of help to all of you, when the challenges of life seem overwhelming.

Blessings to all,

Love,

Emily in Maryland

Dear Emyjay, I had my first panic attack when I was 18. And it was a full blown one. I am 59 now. I don´t have them often at all..but once and awhile..like now..because i am going thru a rough time..but the attacks are something I recognize now..and I can usually take care them quickly. SO, NO..you don´t have to go on having them forever. I know many people who have them and some are taking medications for them. Men, women..young and old. It´s much more common than you know. I really mean this. It´s the body´s way to give a signal that something a bit deep inside of you is not feeling too good at the moment..and that you should perhaps address it. Not ignore it. It´s a NORMAL reaction..well, i believe it is anyway..think about it at any rate.

your religious issue is one i can relate to very well..but it i don´t know if you think i can help you..i grew up a catholic..went to catholic schools and college...and then went on to be a memeber of the new church, as it is called. It is based on the writings of Emanuel Swedenborg. I have been fighting with issues of quilt and sin and never feeling good enough all my life..due to organized religion. Now, these are MY thoughts and experiences..i have read, and searched for myself since my divorce 7 yrs ago. I think i have found "GOD" again, but he is not the God i knew before. And he is within me and all around me..yes, it´s scarey to let go of everything you knew to be true.. but my experience is that it was worth going down to my "black hole" and finding my way up again..slowly, but surely..with the support of a very few good friends..

You seem to be at some kind of crossroads in your life..with the choice of quite a few paths to take... you know, it´s ok to make mistakes..(at least i think it is and i´ve made ALOT).. be kind to yourself..understanding of yourself..you are trying the best you can right now..

i think it´s difficult to write about my religious experience, unless you feel that i could be of help. i think that one´s beliefs are very personal in many ways. So unless i know what you are interested in, i can only say that i have searched for God for a long time and found him/life within myself and within everyone and everything around me...and i guess i haven´t stopped searching for a better understanding and a better me (altho it´s ok where i am now and where YOU are too)..isn´t life a search?? i don´t know. But i guess that i think it is..

you´re not alone.. and don´t give up on that therapist.. your former therapist that moved, can´t he/she help you find one in your own area?..just wondering.. and thinking of you!

I also grew up in a church where the minister, along with some members, loved to beat the flock. Along with that, I was pretty good at flogging myself for never being good, holy, Christian enough until I decided that God didn't want my love out of fear but out of how I lived my life, how I loved and treated others and the example I set every day by just being myself.

We had a friend who married a younger gal. She always asked me for advice and looked up to me. I felt we were equals until she filed for divorce and told me that while she loved me, I wasn't her age and she couldn't really identify. While it kind of hurt me, I understood.

I believe we can learn from and teach women of all ages. We've all had different life lessons that we can share as they present themselves to us through others who need guidance. Just look at Eagle Heart and her horrible bout with depression. She now comes here and helps others who are suffering. It's the value we find in assisting others and our universe.

That said, I believe with all my heart that soon, you will pull up and out from this depression and know and understand just how horrible it is but will have healed and can use this to be a guiding light to others. I'm excited just waiting to see this happen.

Humlan and Diane,

Thanks to both of you for replying to my last post.

Humlan, what you wrote about re: your journey from a negative spiritual experience to a new, positive belief system was very helpful and gives me hope that I'll reach that place, also.

So did your's, Dianne.

In my mind, I've been thinking that everyone around me - especially at my age - is in a positive place re: religion. Now I know that I'm not alone in this journey, that others are struggling or have struggled with this issue too.

It's such a sensitive subject to talk about, that I just don't discuss my "conflicted" feelings with anyone face to face.

Thanks to both of you for sharing your stories.

Dianne, thank you ever so much for your words of encouragement. I'm doing much better now -- just hoping that I'll continue to move in this much nicer direction!

Blessings,
Emily in Maryland

Emy, I encourage you to keep seeking your spiritual center. My childhhod God was one of fear. He is now one of overflowing love. I would love for you to experience Him. He wants more good for you than you can ever imagine. He loves you dearly. Keep looking for Him.

Dotsie,

Thank you for sharing that you've had a religious challenge somewhat like mine.

I have to say, I was afraid to post that information about me, because so many people on this board seem so at peace with this subject.

Since my divorce, which I did not want - would never, ever have dreamed that this could happen to me - I haven't felt
good about myself, like I missed the mark, and like I'm not deserving of grace and forgiveness. ( This is really, really, really, hard for me to write.)

I feel like a second class Christian and so I have spent many a day punishing myself with words. "You're not good."
"You're not getting to heaven." "God must be pretty disappointed in you." That's what I tell myself.

I'm working - and this is taking lots of energy and practice - to tell myself that God does understand, that I couldn't have raised a handicapped child by myself and that God knew this and this is probably why John came into my life. There are so many surgeries needed by a cleft lip and palate child. It's so heartbreaking to hear people say, "Wow, what happened to that kid!"

It's even more heartbreaking to carry your child, who is crying and begging you to take him home, into a hospital knowing how scared he is (and you are) and how much pain he will be facing.

(I've never been this open on any board or web site. I hope I am not upsetting anyone.)

I also think that when Jonathan was born and his father, first husband, brought his girlfriend to the hospital to meet me, that something snapped in my head. I started asking why? "why me?" "why my precious little boy?"

This was the moment I started questioning my understanding of God.

(Think I've just had a break-through and need to have a little cry.)

Thanks, again, to all who have supported me.

Jam, you'll find that same support here.

Love,
Emily in Maryland

Emily,
I read your post just before lunch (after planting flowers in my garden all morning) and didn't respond right away. But you've been on my mind all afternoon, along with a sense of gladness for you. It's good that you're here, with us, sharing your journey. I'm really glad that you're here. I also noticed your response to JAM in another thread - while your words about my book are kind and appreciated, what I most celebrate is your "wounded healer" presence here - helping others through what you're journeying through - there's an immense power when your support for others ripples out of your own pain. And the ability/desire to rise above that pain to help another out of hers, well, that brings a little dance of joy to my heart for you (and for us who benefit from you shining your light and wisdom).

Thank you.

Dear Eagle,

I'm glad to hear that you were planting flowers. To me, that means that you're coping with the grieving process.
You are actively choosing to stay in touch with life.

Oh, Eagle, the touching things you said about me caused my heart to beat a bit faster.

Just as you do and have done and likely will continue to do, I try to use my challenges to help others . . . especially those who don't know what is happening to them or to someone very close to them.

As I said in my other post about your book, I've never read a any other book or an article that so closely describes "how" depression "feels."

And it was interesting to learn that you were thinking about me, because all last night, when I just couldn't sleep, I was thinking about you!

I'm in the process of trying to find a therapist with whom I can "click."

The one I saw Wednesday night spent most of my session biting her fingernails to the quick and telling me how she had to go to therapy to learn that her skills were worth the money she now charges. A minister at a Lutheran church I very infrequently attend suggested her. After two meetings, I've learned a bit, but a red flag is going up.

I told her that I had a really bad time last year when school was out and my job was over for the summer. I told her that my former therapist would let me sit in his waiting room with a book -- or just sit there -- whenever the loneliness I was feeling or panic attacks became overwhelming.

She replied, "well that's not going to happen here!" I'm using the exclamation point to indicate her tone of voice.

I have such bad panic attacks and my other therapist, bless his heart, always took a few minutes to call me and reassure me that the attack would end. Maybe I was spoiled.

But, if a therapist knows that a patient suffers from bad panic attacks, I would think a compassionate therapist would take a few minutes to help the patient calm down.

What do you and anyone else reading this point think? I'm in the DC area, which has the highest number of therapist and pscy Dr. in the country. (Now, that's a scary thought!)

Oh, I just looked up and saw your sign-off, Eagle. Think I'll write that down on a 3"x5" card and carry it in my purse.

Better close as my long posts seem to get blocked.

Love,
Emily

Emy, time to find another therapost. I'm sorry, but empathy must come from therapists at times like this.

You mentioned the end of the school year being a tough time last year. Do you want to discuss things you can do this summer so you will have a few fun things to look forward to? Is it best for you to hav a routine for your summer days? I'm happy to help.

Dr. Bob would do anything to help me when I needed it. What would it hurt for you to sit in the waiting room and why is this woman biting her nails like that?

I'd search until I found the right one and ask people you know who might have had a great therapist. What about a reference from a medical, online site that lists counselors who deal in your problem area?

Ladies,

I went backwards this week. I stayed in bed all today. I have to get in tomorrow.

I think my new therapist might have made me worse.

Can this happen?

I've been having lots of obsessive thoughts. That's what wore me out. She told me to talk back to them or only allow me to concentrate on them for an hour a day. This didn't work for me.

So, since I've been feeling so good, I just stayed home today and slept.

I am so disappointed with myself.

Emily

Emily, I am also having a 'disappointed with myself day'. Just remember that it is quite normal for everyone to feel that way sometimes.

It is a feeling...and I/we have to find some way to overcome that feeling.

I am going to get dressed and go out so I can concentrate on something good coming my way. I too feel like sleeping but we just cannot give up. Please, you do the same. Get ready and go out somewhere even for an hour.

I truly believe that your therapist is not the one for you and you should look into finding another soon.

Emily, please join me in taking a break from our feelings. It can't do any harm and who knows what the day will bring. I will report back later tonight and hopefully you'll do the same.

What you say? Is it a date? I'm giving you a little push....c'mon let's go take on the day. Please...for us.

Blessings friend,
Andria

Emily,

I woke up thinking about you this morning. I've been following your post and think of you often. In regards to your therapist and her somewhat unusual behavior, there's one thing that stands out to me.

When she talked about having to go to therapy in order to charge the fees for what she does, it made me think about believing in yourself.

We were talking about the Law of Reciprocity last night in a teleclass I'm taking. Basically it says that when you share your gifts, you must receive soemthing of equal value in return.

So whether it's money for the work that you do or love for the love that you do or whatever, something has to come back to you or you get out of balance. Think about relationships where you give and give and never get back and how draining that is.

The hard part for many of us, and I think Boomer women especially have a hard time with this, is receiving the gift that is coming back to us--whether it's money or love or whatever--because we were raised to be martyrs in a way. We were rasied to selflessly give.

What happens with that over time is that we begin to believe that we aren't worthy of receiving in some way. Then it becomes a big bug-a-bo and we get angry and that isn't acceptable either and we get depressed. (I know there are many biochemical contributors to depression that have nothing to do with emotions.)

My come away from all of this is that we have to come to a place where we can BELIEVE that we DESERVE to receive in return for what we give to the world and then to allow that good--whether money, smiles, love, kind words, etc.--to flow to us. And this takes time and practice to change our beliefs.

My second comment is that maybe you haven't gone backwards...maybe you've made some progress. Confronting that mean ugly 'voice' can be exhausting. It's almost like doing physical battle. So don't be so hard on yourself for needing a day of rest...just continue to move forward.

I certainly agree that you need to find a therapist that you are totally comfortable with and I know that there is one!

Blessings and smiles to you!

Andria and Jane,

Thank you ever so much for answering my post.

And Jane, thank you for telling me that this is a hard thing to do, I mean, "confronting the ugly voice." I thought I'd go in to that therapist and wham, it would all be gone. I think you are right. Maybe just talking about my whole experiences has triggered those ugly thoughts again.

It is so exhausting -- for me, at least -- to change those voices.

One of my biggest problems with the new therapist is that she can only see me twice a month. This isn't enough for me right now. Also, the other things too make me think she's not right for me.

Will be seeing Dr. Spear this Sat. He says he has the name of a good cognitive therapist. She's right here in Silver Spring. He wants to talk with her first. He doesn't think the one I have at church is a good match for me, at all.

I'm just hoping that this new lady takes my insurance and is taking new patients.

I am so disappointed in myself for this backslide. Hope it ends really fast.

Andria, I just couldn't go anywhere yesterday. I'm going to my regular Dr. today because I have spots on my tonsils. Maybe I'm actually sick and this is making me feel even more lazy. I usually just push myself, even if I'm running a temp. But I just couldn't do that yesterday and then the spots appeared this morning. We'll see.

Love you all,
Emily in Maryland, who is trying with good help and suggestions from the ladies on this board

Praying today is a better day. Go easy on yourself. Perhaps something viral was working on you yesterday. Try to get outside today, even if it's just to soak up some of the sunshine. It's good for us.

Thank you Dotsie, for the sunshine advice. I went to the DR. and I do have strep, so I'm on antibiotics and have been sleeping most of the day.

I'm going to make myself go to work tomorrow. Maybe I can help just one little child feel better about himself. Or, a worn out parent.
I was just looking at how many people on this board have been helping me. It chokes me up.

Again, I'm praying for the day when the good days will last so that I can help all of you, if needed.

I'm trying to post on other places on this site. I'm trying to act normal thinking that maybe then I'll feel normal.

If anyone else has any suggestions, I'm all ears. I cann't wait to find out if the cognitive therapist that Dr. Spear finds takes my insurance and has time to take me.

I think the hardest part of depression -- for me -- is feeling like I'm letting others down.

LOve,
Emily

Quote:

---

I think the hardest part of depression -- for me -- is feeling like I'm letting others down.

---

I really know what you mean, Emily.

This is nothing like what you are going through Emily, but for about two months this year, I was really depressed. I felt like I was letting my hub down becausse I wasn't contributing to our home and our lives together. I also felt like I was letting my work down by not contributing my usual creativity.

It's difficult to feel guilty. Just keep in mind that you have an illness - a real illness - that is keeping you from being the Emily that you really are inside. She's trying to find her way. Maybe this will help alleviate some of those feelings of letting others down.

Emily...see you do have a reason for feeling so bad! And you may need to stay in again tomorrow to allow the antibiotics time to fully work...be kind to yourself!

Smiles and hugs!

I echo Jane's suggestion to be kind to yourself! It is NOT A SIN or a crime to rest - whether it be your physical body that needs rest from a viral infection, or your spiritual/emotional self that needs rest from the constant onslaught of untangling that mangled thinking - give yourself permission a) to be human, and b) to rest when your body and/or your spirit needs it.

For me, that rest was very much a part of my healing, and I can guarantee you that I would never have made it out if I had not given in to sleeping and resting when my body/spirit needed that "time-out". And for the record, I spent DAYS and WEEKS in bed, doing absolutely nothing except sleeping, crying and praying. I had no choice. The depression and grief were so heavy and overwhelming, I could not stay awake, and I couldn't function outside of that bed. I knew that healing was on its way when I was finally able to start praying for other people and not just for myself - it wasn't that the act of praying for others was healing in itself, it was that my spirit and body were finally rested enough to begin taking those baby steps out of my own painful darkness.

It is what it is, and we are who we are. Depression is a bona fide illness, and the need for extra rest is one of the legitimate symptoms of depression - if you had a broken back, nobody (including you) would question your need to rest. Why should you be any harsher with yourself when it's depression that needs bedrest - that's just as legitimate a need as any other sick body's need.

Dare to treat yourself with true compassion and kindness - and agree with yourself to start loving yourself back to life instead of constantly flinging fault and guilt. Believe me, I've been there, it almost killed me, I know it's a long road out of there but every trip begins with that first step...I can tell you that it's much more difficult to make much movement forward without first making that commitment to love yourself back to life with the patience and compassion that any wounded person deserves.

Eagle,

I'm going ito work this morning, but I do have 5 hours between morning and evening shifts. As soon as I get home, I'm going back to bed. I'm glad you told me about the need for rest. Throughout this, I'm in bed most all weekends. I find that whenever I've gone through a bad depression, that I need that time for my mind to quiet down. I have a friend who does this, too.

Thank you so much for sharing your need for more rest and sleep, also.

I'm having a big problem with obsessive thoughts. They are making me feel bad. My soon to be ex but current therapist says I should talk back to them or only allow myself an hour a day to worry. Now, how do I do that? I do tell myself that I'm not a bad person when that tape runs. I think this is mostly a replay of what I heard from my mother when I was a child. Also, because I need to be perfect. I can't do that, but the "tapes" in my head tell me I'm a failure whenever I get depressed or don't do something the way I think I should.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not hearing voices. These are just thoughts that start and wont stop.

Eagle or anyone, has anyone had this before. Tell you the truth, this is scaring me more than the depression, which is lifting.

Love,
Emily