I'm so frustrated, I have to whine to you to prevent myself from shouting big "I TOLD YOU SO's" to hubby and his sister.

MIL and FIL are very controlling people who have always kept hubby and sis in line with guilt trips and simply being over-bearing. So guess who has been taking care of them? Yeh, me.

DH is very appreciative but has yet to step up to the plate and tell his parents what is what. AFter 55 years of taking his dad's disrespect and abuse, DH is having a hard time breaking out of the cycle and it is essential now.

FIL had a stroke in the early hours of Sat. morning so now we have a mad scramble to figure out what to do with both. We are still waiting for results of MRI and ultrasounds so don't know the extent of damage to his brain yet. He has mobility but not much control on the left side.

MIL has COPD emphezema and continues to smoke. She denies that she has emph. and has been fighting me on the necessity of her nebulizer and oxygen since last fall. She likes to play games and think she has control when all she is doing is making herself look like a fool. She is also showing some dementia, possibly early Alzheimers so dealing with her issues is difficult.

I've been telling them that we need in-home care or move them to assisted living for a year but dh and sis can't tell mom and dad what to do and mom and dad won't acknowledge the need for help.

They cancelled meals-on-wheels after a few months, she won't take the meds from her daily boxes and fights him when he tells her to. He's been too cheap to pay for help so I've been trying to keep them going.

We have toured an assisted living facility and I just found out that he toured another on his own but didn't tell us.

Our son stayed with her Sat. night but we all have other responsibilities and couldn't stay with her after that. Sis has an out of control 15 yr. old and she does an early a.m. paper route before going to work every day so can't have mom stay with her. We live 20 miles away and my house is currently torn apart while I am trying to do major clean-out. I also day-care our 18 mo-old granddaughter and am trying to get a new web business off the ground so can't have her here for now. So we admitted her to respite care on the same floor of the hosp. that he's on and she is PI---D!

Earlier this summer, we all decided it was time for home caregivers a few hours a day. DH backed down so the two ladies I lined up had to take other jobs. A month ago, SIL and I both told M & F that it was time to get in some help. They refused to consider it. Now, here we are - FIL is unable to help himself and she is still in denial of her own problems.

I'm through play games with her. I am going to tell her this afternoon that if she had taken the help when we tried to give it, she could have stayed at home because help would have been there. I am also going to tell her that she has two choices: she can acknowledge her medical needs, accept treatment, and participate in decisions to be made; OR, she can go on playing her games and we will make all decisions for them. I know she is still capable of understanding that.

DH is having huge guilt attacks but I'm not. Over the years, they made many decisions that affected my life without a care as to how I felt (we farmed together and they were always control freaks). I am not seeking revenge. I love them and respect them as the parents of the man I love (they are the only weak spot between us). I will continue to take care of them and care about them but I have no qualms about making decisions that they refuse to make for themselves.

I don't know about you guys, but I feel much better for the ranting I've done here! Thanks for listening - my tongue won't bleed quite as much for the unsaid "I told you so's!"

Hi, Jo: Seems to be that you have reasons to vent and it is good to let the rant out than keep it all bottled up. Glad you felt much better for that. Rant when you need to and listen we will do. Keep strong. It seems that you are in a better position to objectively assess the situation with the family's concerns. Your love for your husband will lead you to do what you think is best for all.

Theres a saying some T-shirts have on them, that says:

Get even, live long enough to be a burdon to your children!!!

Gads, how did you get stuck with this? You poor thing. If it helps, my hubby loves checking your website on the condition of "his" crop.

Flipperjo, does your husband see that if he doesn't step up to the plate, YOU will end up getting sick and needing care? Guilt doesn't help anyone, positive action does.
((HUGS))

Flipperjo,
I helped take care of my mom for 10 years, but I was lucky. She was always sweet and appreciative.

Your DH has an obligation to make sure your parents have a decent amount of care, but you do not have the obligation to be a doormat. If his parents have the funds to pay for help, and have made themselves too obnoxious to receive it for free, then that's the bed they've made.

Sorry if this sounds cold, but people reap what they sow.

Good luck!

PS - your nickname seems so familiar I can't help wondering if I 'knew' you at some other website.

Oh gosh. First of all, I'd have a sit down with any of them that felt guilt. It has no place when you're in a situation like this. If anything they should be feeling guilty for having you do it all.

Rant on sistah...we're here and listening, and most of us are relating. Remember, a woman's gotta do ...

JJ

Flipperjo, what would happen if you didn't do anything? Wouldn't the family be forced to take things in their own hands? Just wondering. I know it would be hard, especially if you see the grandparents need help, but what would their children do if you couldn't help for some reason or another?

Flipperjo, the only thing I would add is to make sure you STAND YOUR GROUND! Don't let "them" (everyone from your DH to your MIL) suddenly decide that everything will fall into YOUR lap! I've seen it happen in situations like this, where the guilt-laden DH gets manipulated into accepting that responsibility - but who does it actually fall to? You! DON'T GO THERE.

I don't mean to sound cruel or heartless, I just think that I can see the writing on the wall, and don't want to see you railroaded into an out-of-control situation.

Stand your ground. Yes, be loving and kind, but protect your space and don't let them make any decision that will profoundly affect YOU without your full consent and input.